Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I am relieved tonight. Ruth got through the D and C without physical complications and seems to be physically safe - at home. Emotionally the care she and Chris received, especially from one nurse and a chaplain, was healing. They were talked to respectfully, as parents of a baby who died, their loss taken seriously -arrangements made for them to make private arrangements for the baby's body. This respectful, kind treatment helped them through a difficult day, and that helps me.

I've been pretty normal today, calm, working - but every hour or so my mind chronicles another experience I won't have with this Friedling - singing "The Ants Go Marching One By One" off key trying to help her fall asleep, heavy head, soft curls against my cheek - playing "Where is the moon?" - first foot in salt water at the beach - so many firsts that won't happen. My grief is quiet, lapping in my heart, rippling up as the loss becomes more and more real.

Being a secondary mourner is different. I miss the possibility of this baby deeply - and my focus is more on supporting Ruth and Chris than on my own missing, my own loss. Knowing Ruth got through the D and C safely is some kind of first step that lets me think and feel more about not having this baby to love.

Life is so fragile - even staying alive to get born - surviving infancy, childhood, teen years - reaching the age I have reached already. I am thankful for the moments of my life tonight.

1 comment:

Dixi said...

Your last paragraph resonates with me. I think we all have to be thankful for the moments of our lives and treasure them all, even the moments of mourning which perhaps bring people even closer together in their grief.

I do believe that the baby felt love and that someday they will meet this loved baby again. That is my faith.

I am glad that the loss was taken seriously and arrangements were made for the baby's body. It is all so hard.