Discouraged this morning and trying to shift my feelings. The last couple of days have been awful for KK with extreme pain. After all the years of being inspired by the beauty of her dancing movements it is especially painful to watch her struggle just to sit up in bed or walk to the table. She isn't even at a therapeutic dose on her main medication yet, and I know there is lots more to try in terms of both life style and medication, so I know there is lots of hope. I'm just bummed at the moment. It's hard to watch someone I love suffer and not be able to do enough. I do know she is listening to our guidance about stress reduction and I know she feels our love, so that is something.
Friday, January 04, 2013
It's daytime now and I can see out the window behind me the devastation still left from Hurricane Katrina. The walkway I thought we would be able to take to the beach was damaged by the storm and there are still broken buildings between our two year old hotel and the water. I can see a lovely barrier island on which there are many dead trees, no doubt storm victims. There are also live trees, which remind me that life force comes back even after a great storm. My insight that I cannot ever know the whole story of a person or place from what I am shown in a given moment is deepened. Last night I saw only luxury and now I see a history of fear, devastation, destruction, death, hope, courage, and restoration in this spot -and of course, still luxury.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
I am sitting up late in the living room of this awesome hotel suite ten floors up with the winter night sky and the Gulf of Mexico at my back. It is absurd that we are paying so little for such astonishing luxury. And I feel a little embarrassed that I find this luxury level quite so delightful. I've been running around like a kid smelling the soap and sitting in all. the chairs, feeling the textures of the pillows, admiring the molding on the ceiling. I took a long bath in the black marble tub and am even wearing the incredibly soft white robe from the closet. And it's all fun. And at the same time I'm thinking about themes suggested like "simplicity" and "less is more" and "letting go" and laugh at myself a little. I am aware of the paradox in myself. I want to live simply and lightly on the earth and am aware of how greatly privileged my life has been compared to the lives of most in this world, and yet I really enjoy luxury and comfort when they fall into my lap. The awareness of that awareness gives me my theme. January is a beginning month and awareness is a beginning. Action and growth spring from awareness. So it is my intention to focus on being as aware as possible this month and on sharing one awareness a day here.
Bob and I are on our way home from our good family trip east and are currently in this amazing bizarrely discounted suite in a beach casino hotel in Biloxi (count on my husband for finding an incredible deal but he has outdone himself this time. We'll have to take pictures.) but we have this suite with a bathroom bigger than our bedroom at home and a fancy living and dining area and a luxurious bedroom with king bed and a beach view and easy beach access for two night's for less than your average roadside motel for one night. Wow! And we even get a tour which hopefully will let us see an endangered group of non migrating sand hill cranes Saturday morning before we head home. I'm feeling very spoiled.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Start - Simplistic word I focused on today. And ironically a lot of what I started on was finishing- keeping commitments I've made to myself and others. It felt good to write a big stack of letters and thank you notes, cards of support, sympathy and celebration that I have been carrying around half done. It felt good to stitch up the sides and choose buttons for a bunch of little knitted purses which were only rectangles in 2012. It feels more important that I've started talking more out loud about my personal battle against contempt - in my own spirit, in others' words and actions, and in the policies of our institutions. I've climbed up on my soap box on this one and don't see myself climbing down any time soon. Time to start.
And since I'm starting, it feels good to try something new. My friend Sandi Hand Scranton wrote about choosing a word for the year ahead, to clarify purpose. Thank you Sandi for the thought. Contenders in my mind were attention, resilience, and acceptance. The winner, though is respect, which I see as the opposite of contempt. I want to respect my own needs and limitations and those of others in my life. I want to respect the fact that every...body has a story and I can't know everything about where anyone has come from. I want to respect that at the most basic core level all humans, regardless of gifts and circumstances have equal worth. And I want to learn to speak up respectfully against behavior which is disrespectful. I'd love to hear from the rest of you if you have a "word for the year" what it is and why.