Thursday, October 20, 2011
We saw Complexions contemorary Ballet last night - pushes human body and spirit beyond what I thought possible. I learned classical forms and know the work and discipline htat took - but this incredibly athletic fusion dance is just beyond. KK has her first highschool romance in bloom - very sweet. I'm reading an odd book about a longitudinal study of gifted kids born a few years before my daughters - fascinating and disturbing mix of life stories.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Beautiful first nip of fall. Last night before the front came through we had dinner in the sukkoh - delicious and good to be together as a family - all the Austin bunch. But after dinner I felt anxious and distressed - maybe that what we have is too sweet and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and something awful to happen. I don't want that, don't want to think like that. Last night I cried and cried in bed and sweet Bob just held on, which is all anyone could do. Today he brought me a beautiful pink butterfly balloon at work. I love being loved like that, when I am at my most vulnerable and unappealing. I still feel a sense of forboding and tremendous tenderness for everyone I love. Today was better than yesterday. I felt competent and strong at work and caught up a little with emails, which feels good. Tomorrow night will be a treat - a showing of the Complections dance company with $10.00 tickets complements of KK's dance program.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Yom Kippur is behind us. Fasting was hard for me this year and I feel a little uncertain about the directions of my turning closer to bringing oneness to my life and the world. It was wonderful though being in service with the Jewish contingent of my family - especially seeing Chris carry the troah in procession and Liam follow behind dancing. I am coming clearer and clearer that I will never be able to be all that I want to be to everyone I love, and that this will becopme even less possible as my capacity decreasing with age. I feel it decreasing - still plenty left but I am not as strong, not as enduring, even with efforts to remain so. There seems to be a lesson of acceptance in my autumn, of resting in being enough as I am. It is a hard lesson.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Change is in the air in so many ways. Mornings are actually cool and afternoons mild. KK's flying in the air show has run its glorious course and her first six weeks in high school is behind us, good transition. Last night, trying on adorable handed down outfits from Ruth's friend, she talked about her school she said "I need Mac Callum and I need Ballet Austin." Her determination to follow her dance dream solidifies, a change of intensity in a familiar direction. Liam has reached a whole new level of play, negotiating with dragons, slaying if necessary. Ruth is teaching him to use force only if the opponent won't negotiate. Bob has been working hard at the school volunteering and I wish it were easier on him physically. His veinous insufficiency causes his legs to get horribly red when he stands or even sits with dangling legs for long, as he did Friday. He is very tired when that redness comes. It worries me. The financial difficulties Joanna and her kids have worry me. I know worry is pointless. I am excited about getting new glasses, two pair, one for distance, one for close, and will hope I can see and function better with them. We are preparing emotionally and spiritually for Yom Kippur, looking for the best way to be in an uncertain world.