Monday, April 30, 2012
I had a great day with Liam, playing with knights on the floor, putting away laundry, fixing dinner, all the ordinary kinds of things that have always given me pleasure. I remember being the kid in that dyad wiht my Grandma Anna, doing all the ordinary things with great attention to detail and shared joy. I hope Liam remembers these days with me in the same way, or if he doesn't remember, has a feeling laid down of pleasure in the ordinary. I'm freaked out about going back to work tomorrow and trying to put my office back together after the popcorn ceiling removal, which apparently caused much more disruption than expected. I'm not even sure we'll have power. KK is pretty amazing right now - so vulnerable and so full of possibilities. I see her afraid every day about challenges in dance and school, trying to balance her happiness in her relationship with her boyfriend with her commitment to keep doing hard things well. Right now she has a lot going on with end of year testing and one last dance show - a couple of choir shows before new York, but she doesn't seem nervous about those. There's something different about her these days, a new reaching for maturity I think, a sense that she needs to grasp more responsibility right now, afraid or not.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Yesterday was really pretty perfect - sweet time with Bob and the wind blowing and the sun shining but not too brightly in my eyes - the sunscreen working. The birds were out and I've finally gotten a system of using both glasses and binoculars that gives me better views than I've ever gotten - coloring patterns Bob has long described that have and books picture are suddenly THERE on the actual birds. WOW! Pretty birds yesterday were indigo bunting and rose breasted grosbek, also two amazing reddish egrets, one in white phase and one reddish. The white one had all it's breeding plumage on and both gave us great views. Anybody who birds the Corpus area, try Indian Point. The shorebirds especially were numerous, close, and not skittish. We listened to Margaret Atwood's Penelopiad in the car -beautifully crafted as everything Atwood writes and also darker than I feel about human nature. I love the idea of different character's takes on classic stories (midrash in the secular world) and found the focus on the shift from matriarchal to patriarchal cultures fascinating, but the character of Penelope was such a martyr with such an edge that it bothered me. She could kind of laugh at herself, which redeemed her some. Bob liked her better than I did. I love that we can enjoy and discuss books together. This one is short - about three hours on audiobook, so good for a car trip. Today I expect to spend time with KK out in the little house while she does homework. She had fun yesterday at the poos with three teen aged boys including her boyfriend. She didn't get sunburned either. She does not melt when I can't see her. Definitely a Jewish moter stereotype here at times when it comes to things like sunburn. Supposedly the popcorn has been scraped off my ceiling at work and the office is intact. i'm still a little nervous about that. I took everything off the walls and packed up my crystals, statues, fetishes and such on Friday, hopefully safely. The crew hired to remove the popcorn came roaring in before I finished my last session on Friday, planning to work all night - loud and fast and a little scary. I hope they didn't break anything. I did sign another three year lease on the office on Friday. That part feels good.
Friday, April 27, 2012
I did calm down last night and ended up having some good quiet time in the little house with KK while she studied and I played computer games. Then Ruth and I had a fascinating conversation based on the book Quiet which is a research based and really interesting recent work about the nature of introversion and the contributions of introverts to society. Twentieth century America really put high value on extroversion - the loud, charismatic, quick deciding, alpha, life of the party kind, and confused introversion with shyness, poor social skills, anxiety, all kinds of things it's not. One of the characteristics the book claims belong to introverts is the tendency to be easily stimulated and overstimulated by the environment. That is surely me, and surely what happened yesterday. Those of you who keep reading here will probably be reading more about this book. This morning is softly cool before a warm afternoon. Bob and I are leaving for the coast right after work for a quick day of birding the end oof spring migration. KK will be going to the pool with friends tomorrow while we are gone and, with my morning freshness, it is easier to accept that she can put on her own sunscreen. "I'm almost sixteen." she reminded me, "I can put on my own sunscreen." And she's right. I think I'm overprotective about sun issues and this little redhead because I got such bad sunburns as a young girl before real sunblock was invented.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
It was a hard hard work day - always running late, running after myself, forgetting, chasing, got me home irritable and overstimualted, not quite able to stay balanced and kind with the family I love. I wish I were less anxious, less high strung, easier. I usually make up for my natural intensity with extra self management, but when I let the bottom fall out it really falls out. I sent myself to my room while the others are at the table, trying to gather. I guess I put myself in time out. Living with a three year old is good. Liam doesn't really lose it very often, but when he does I think he feels just like I do tonight and the result isn't all that different. There's something comforting in the universiality of emotion - something I remember from being around children.
I haven't been keeping this blog, haven't been writing the patterns of my days and nights during a spring that has been full of change and challenge. My office building, which is the home of so much of myself, is still undergoing remodel and the group of friends with whom I've long worked is rebalancing, roles and rooms shifting. It's thrown me way off, all this change - not tragic, not even bad. It's just been too hard to write about. I'm sticking a foot back into this blog. I want to dive in. I want to promise posts every day and quotes and poems and wisdom and insights. I know I'm not so good at keeping promises lately, especially to myself. So what I can say is I made this post. I'm sticking my foor back in. I hope to be at least knee deep by the end of the week.