Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I'm feeling satisfied tonight, hopeful, like the efforts I've been making since Saturday to improve my mood and reduce stress are working. I'm posting something here every day whether it seems important or not, writing a poem every day, knitting bright light little scarves from eyelash yarn for KK's friends and teachers, just smiling more and feeling less like my life has just been stirred with a stick and has no pattern. It is good for me to remember that when I feel overwhelmed it really just takes a little step or two to get some sense of order and power back.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'm thinking about the word "deep", a prompt for a poem friends have written to. I love this word. I see myself as deep, the universe as deep well of infinite energy, my connection to that energy assured. the concept of depth has always comforted me - deep stillness under water, in the forrest. I do better at the heart of things than on the surface, best closest to core, to birth and death. The shallow waters with tricky currents, everyday living is where I struggle. Deep is simple - offers fewer choices, requires only abiding.

Monday, November 28, 2011

It seems important to try to write everyday here to try to get my groove back. I don't like hte amount of stress I'm feeling these days, especially after having read an article about long term stress contributing to women having heart attacks. I want to have less struggle, less anxiety, more times of just enjoying life, and that should be easy at this point because nothing is wrong - nobody is really sick. it is just the everyday things like minor conflicts with KK and trying to deal with order in the house and scheduling at work that I wear myself out over. i've got to stop this and maybe writing daily will help, at least help me notice how much of a problem my stress level is.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

TOday was hard. I started out feeling just really overwhelmed and behind in every area of life. I was anxious and irritable and somehow it all worked out that I asked for help and got plenty from Bob and Ruth and we accomplished some major reorgainzing in the bedroom. KK came home happy from Big Bend. Life feels much more managable tonight and going to sleep will keep it so. I hope. It really feels good to need help and attention and GET it. I am gratefrul tonight.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I hate that I'm not keeping up this blog. I used to love writing it, with quotes and commentary on all kinds of things. Lately it just feels hard. My decision is to close it out or push through the block and make it alive again. Half dead it depresses me and that won't do.

I don't have full ressurection capacity tonight. It will take awhile, but I have a couple of thoughts.

The Wednesday Wars is a really good coming of age book set in the era in which I came of age. It's male perspective and a little too cute for my taste in places, but it also really hits home regarding the events of that wonderful terrible spring when Martin Luther King Jr. and Bobb Kennedy were killed, the draft and the War in Viet Nam were all too real, and The Times They are A'changin was in the air. I still have a sweet sad spot in my heart for 1968, the year I left home - the year I left California when so many other young peoplke were heading there. The book gave me good chills.

Thanksgiving and the recent trip to Tulsa gave me a new take on cousins. It really is wonderful to have close cousins. I had/have perfectly decent cousins but age differences and location kept us from ever being really close. My grandkids love having cousins and being cousins.It makes me happy to watch. I'm lucky to have married into a family that does cousinship well.

Fall continues to be my season. I come alive wiht the wind and the crispness in the air. Tonight we took a sunset walk with Liam and the moon was just a brush stroke of a crescent, Venus and Jupiter both bright against a darkening sky. It doesn't get much better than that.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Bob and I took a half moon walk at McKinny falls and hear owls and coyotes - perfect autumn evening, just cool enough. It felt good to be walking together, something we've done alot but not as much lately. I'm reading a novel in which the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angelos, where Bobby Kennedy was shot, falls to the wrecking ball. I don't know if this really happened, but the idea of it shakes me. So much that I've lived has become history and it just doesn't seem that long ago.