Short present day entry tonight - too busy living to write about it much. Bob and I are in Corpus - worked in the classroom, worked in the hot apartment, then went to the magic beach. There was fire dmage in the dunes on Padre Island National Sea Shore, which made us sad - acrid smell, deer looking sad on charred dunes. But when we got down to the water's edgein the tween - sun setting flame and stars popping out before moon rose red as setting sun - no damage and no sorrow were apparent. I felt, and still feel writing this, appy as every mother wants her child to be.
To keep responding to my requested questions, Ruth asked:
You are SUCH a sensual person--you raised us with so much amazing mindfulness about color, texture, season, etc.... why didn't you do more with music in our lives when I was a kid? Was it that Bob did so much of it, that technology is tricky and you don't feel "musically gifted", does music touch you less, or do you think there WAS a lot of music in our lives? (And, as a follow up, how do you think this relates to having two daughters SO touched by song? If at all?)
This question surprised me Ruth. I did try to fill your childhood with music. I was the one who bourght all the "Wee Sing" tapes when you were little and the tickets to various childrens' concerts. I still remember how thrilled I was the first time I heard Joanna (about two) singing to herself prettily. I LOVED it (and still do) that both of you can sing. When we used to go to St. Matthews, the long singing during Communion was my favorite part of the service and when you sang along I was delighted and touched. Standing beside you at synogogue when you sing, swaying with you, is one of my favorite activities on earth. And I was deeply touched when Joanna sang to my mother when she was dying and when Bob sang to Rudy several times when he was ill.
But I am not musically gifted and don't think I am good at making music real for other people, the way I can other sensory experiences. I need other people to make music real for me - so it makes sense I didn't take the lead in that area of your life. I don't have the gifts. I never felt confident enough in my own piano playing to play for you and Joanna the way Mama always played when I was growing up. I wish now I had kept up the skill level I once had, however short it fell of hers.
I also grew up in an environment where music was almost always playing, either piano or stereo, and I often felt overwhelmed by so much sound and tend not to turn on sounds but to keep the house quiet. I think if I WANTED music enough, or tremembered how important it is to tohers, I would have and would now master the technological chllenges involved in making it play more.