Saturday, June 28, 2008
The question for tody is a hard one. Ruth asked "What lessons did your daughters reject/fail to get/etc from you (that you wish they had)." It's hard because I can't think of anything I'm really sure of that either - not to mention both - of them rejected or didn't get. I believe my conventions regarding sexual behavior may be a little more conservative than theirs, but I believe their beliefs coincide with mine in spirit regarding the importance of. I wish both of them felt more free from the perceived judgement of others, more confident of who they are in the world, especially around minor things like looks. I think the messages I sent around grieving were confusing as I struggled to grieve Kerry and raise them at the same time. Joanna has said that the way I held together and modeled containment when the worst had happened may have been destructive to her ability to feel what she's feeling in the moment. I value feeling what one feels in the moment deeply and also value keeping on keeping on. I tried to model that balance, but think I missed a bit and regret that. Some differences are just temperament. I modeled a kind of order and quiet that Joanna rejected because she finds it restrictive, and that is fine with me. Ruth is more like me in terms of order and containment. I think both of them learned too much anxiety and control from me, too much emphasis on the importance of individual action and choice and I should probably feel guiltier than I do about that. My value sitll is better too much emphasis on responsibility than too little though. In most ways I believe both daughters have taken my values and Kerry's and Bob's and those of their extended family of loving adults and adjusted them beautifully to their times, temperaments, and developing beliefs. I' so delighted by both of my daughters.