I want to gather Ruth and Chris up in my arms tonight and rock them. They - and I too, I think, were waiting for the autopsy report on the baby - wanting a reason, a cause, at least a definite sex. We didn't get any of that. No obvious cause for the death in the baby or in Ruth - and only "probably" a girl. I believe she was a little girl - but that's just hunch. I wanted them to get to know something, to have some fact to hang onto. I want it not to be so hard to hurt so much. This feels like a new level of sadness. I hope its a bottom somehow - something to push up against, not just a well of darkness. I wish I could help in some way other than simply abiding. I think abiding has to be enough. I sure wish I could fix this. Mama's are supposed to be able to fix their childrens' hurts.

I've been finding comfort in a web community oriented toward infertility and loss of pregnacies and deaths of babies - also adoptions, lesbian parents - all kinds of family issues. Its called Lost and Found, Connections Abound http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

Another web site that has intrigued me is the antirascistparent, http://www.antiracistparent.com/ And I am more and more intrigrd by Tom Brokaw's Boom. I think the political distracts me from the personal, and that is probably good.