Yesterday afternoon was the annual gift exchange (usually closer to Christmas but postponed this year because of the death of the hostess' father right at Christmas time) of my closest Austin friends and family - something that started when the girls were small. I love these people - feel terribly sad that I don't spend as much time with them or know the details of their lives a s deeply as I once did - and am so thankful for the intimacy that remains. I love just sitting on the floor looking at my old friends - seeing the sweetness of familiar smiles - a couple intertwining fingers while singing. And the young ones (both generations of them) growing up are exciting too -and next year (all going well) we will have a new baby among us. This is the first year the boys have been old enough not to need supervising - have been able to run outside to play ball when they were not involved in conversation. K.K. is getting so tall - young woman tall - a new baby will be tiny. Even this year, seeing Ruth beautiful and wearing a top that flows softy over her soon to expand belly, brought me to sweet tears several times. I missed Joanna and James yesterday - she sick and he working - so much better when we are all together.
The oldest generation really is dying off - another today - father of very good friend at 92 and in mid stage dementia - not a bad dying and a great life - but the passing of the torch is clearly occuring from the generation before me to my own generation
I'm still melancholy. Life feels hard. And harder when Bob is not so pleased with his performance in his job. I can handle our separation fine when I feel like its so he can do a dream job and make a difference - but if he's feeling low about his teaching its harder. He and I plan to do some serious talking over spring break about next year. He can't just quit. We need the income. I was hoping it would be perfect for him to stay in Corpus and not have to have the stress of a job hunting summer. We'll figure it out. I know low moods pass.
I've done so much spiritual and psychological work on maintaining my own balance and peace even when those I love are not doing well. I'm still lousy at it when push really comes to shove.