Monday, October 06, 2008

I walked up to the grocery store a little while ago and watched a couple - younger than me (mid forties?) She was in a wheel chair and he was pushing, very tender, reaching down a couple of times to stroke her cheek or talk to her quietly. There was absolutely love in their interaction and, I thought, protectiveness on his side. She had hair but looked too think with a look of pain about her - but of course I could be completely wrong. Maybe she just has an injury and will be fine - but I thought about having short time as a couple seeing them together and I triggered on something Bob said yesterday, that sometimes someone who really loves a spouse might choose to suffer greatly in grief, to become dysfunctional, to show how much he or she loved the partner who was ill or had died. That really scares me. I don't think anyone could love more than I loved Kerry and I didn't do that. Don't do that, Bob, if I die suddenly, now, or otherwise before you. Please use your love for me to make the rest of your life strong and to create beauty, strength, healing in the world in my name, in the name of our love. Please, please, nobody ever shut down in grief for me (I mean I know you will have your feelings and tears and will miss me, but don't let the grief make you less for more than a very short time - please) Use the energy to create and heal. That's important to me. When I die, make an altar of your actions, as I wrote the other day.

6 comments:

Bob Hendricks said...

I love your beautiful poem. And I will make the choice to take pain and turn it for good, not wallow in it. And if I'm not very functional for a few days or weeks, that'll be OK, too, as long as I move beyond it.

As I recall, friends (and two wonderful daughters) made you come out of withdrawal contrary to your inclinations during the few months after Kerry died. Is my memory correct on that?

I love you so much!

SeaStar said...

I did not WANT to be alive when Kerry died - had no desire to put one foot in front of the other. I won't want to if you die either, darling one. And yes, friends helped me keep moving forward and I partly did it because the girls needede a mother. I don't think I was clear in the original post. Of course we woud grieve each other. I just mean, which ever of us is left, let's use our mourning to honr the memory of the other, not hide under it and be crippled or diminished by it. Of course there are times of paralyzed suffering after a major loss - but the thing you said yesterday, about the paralysis somehow indicating the strength of the love, I don't want that in my name, by anyone, ever.

Judy said...

Victoria, your writing on grief and life is poignant and something I believe, too. I would not want my loved ones to ever suffer like I did. I don't think they will. I think one big grief changes you. I don't think anything will be that hard again for any of us.

Joe Hendricks said...

Intense empathy for a suffering spouse does carry that danger - to allow pain/death to overshadow the very things you both worked so hard to create together. Good food for thought..

Mary said...

Use the energy to create and heal. That's important to me. ......


yes, i feel the same too.

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