This weekend was busy and I felt tired much of yesterday, so much we are still doing to organize house and garage - getting rid of everything we don't tryly choose to have. So many of my belongings I have by attrition. SOmeone gave me something and I found a place for it and still have it. Shifting to a much more mindful relationship with things is WORK. Today's poetry prompt was "hanging" and my take on it was surely influenced by the sorting.

I've spent my adult life
learning when to hang on,
when to let go.
Practicing still.

Also, Bob and I had a wonderful break this afternoon attending the opera La Boheme. I've seen it before, but today really was transported, just caught in and feeling the whole story. A funny on myself is that during the intermission I started thinking how the story of starving artists, love, and illness in a flamboyant setting could be transfered to 1980's Castro District Sand Fran Cisco and done as a gay love story. I got positively obsessed with the idea, imagining scenes, and then whenh I told Ruth and Chris they broke out laughing. It's been done. Rent, which I haven't seen, is a remake (in Greenwich Village, but still....duh....no Tony awards for me.)

Long work week. I think it's time for the upcoming vacation. Ruth is making great progress child-proofing, which is a good thing because Liam is walking, climbong, opening, pulling things out, down, on top of his head. As I write she and K.K. are wotking on the restructuring of garage shelves. I should get K.K. to bed soon since dance starts early tomorrow. I wrote a couple of poems I like this week based on poem a day prompts. I love the way prompts get me to write poems I'd never dream up on my own.

Dead End

If only imobilizes.
No regrets, yearnings, pleas.
No bargains, deals, second guesses.
Only mindful action now.


Constructed

We construct wisdom
against nature - uphill,
build against impulse.
My prayer is for strength
to choose, today, tomorrow,
to lay another shimmering stone.

Leaf fall has started - watched the golden shower past the upstairs office window today. We are still weeks from the first freeze, but it is clearly no longer green season. Liam is a walker now, not a baby who can take steps but a toddler who crosses the room without thinking about it, a little guy who stands steadily while focusing on playing with his blocks.

It's both sad and good helping Joanna's family move houses. I remember helping them move into the big house, and now leaving it seems just as right as buying it did then. I felt tears in my throat when Danny stood in the empty center of his ocean room Joanna painted with murals for him and said he would miss it. He will. He is hoping for new murals in the new room he and Zachary share. It was probably my last time in the big house today. I didn't think about that until right now. K.K. and I had a sweet moment at the end sitting on the stairs, just visiting while we waited for Joanna to get us with the car. Then I gave K/K's day a painful ending by slamming her fingers in the car door (not broken but painful) I felt terrible, and know that I make physical mistakes when I'm tired. That scares me about myself.

Random violence seems more present than usual, or maybe I'm more focused on it - military base shooting at Fort Hood yesterday, office building shooting in Orlando today, serial killer found in Cleveland on Halloween. It is alarming to know that people snap unexpectedly and can do so much harm. I also read today that unemployment is up again, another factor that has to add to pressure on people. Tonight it was good to go to synagogue and pray in community and especially to watch the congregation love Liam. Sweetness is sure out there. Live is hard AND life is good. Got to remember that AND.

The PTA program went great with sixteen of Bob's eighteen students participating and over forty in all - unusual participation and attendence for htis school. I'm thrilled it went so well. The move continues apace too. As several of you commented, it is great to be part of a family that helps each other. It's Chris' birthday tomorrow, and I am so thankful to have this good man in our lives.

Here, I'm feeling a little crazed with a more than uually demanding work week and a desire to help Joanna get the last belongings out of the house that is being sold and into the house where she and her family are living (Ruth's former house). the financial, business end of everything is falling into line, but there is still plain work to do. We have promised to be done by next Tuesday night, so there is an end in sight, which helps me not panic. Also, I am very much in an assistant role and feel some relief not being in charge of so much organization. I will not panic. Everything will work out. I will not panic.....I will not panic....I will not panic.....

Bob's big PTA program is tomorrow night, with Native American inspired dances and a display of foods which originated in teh Americas. We had fun Sunday at Whole Foods (which is a zoo here on Sundays) buying same.

It is ironic to me having been among the vey prosperous organic buying shoppers in Whole Foods on Sunday to see on the news Monday that one of our local food banks had closed for the day because of empty shelves - a situation since remedied at least temporarily by business and private donations. I also saw a long line of people last night waiting for medical care at a free clinic near my office. The contrast between comfort and want is so strong, even in this country, without even thinking about African level poverty. I feel fortunate to be among the relatively comfortable and work to do what I can about the gap, to do enough, but not to deny myself some of the pleasures money can buy.

Beyond Valence

Travel beyond duality
to accept what is
challenges wisdom.

Halloween is over and I am sad, just like when I was little. I don't want to take down the decorations, which alwyas make me smile. Our weekend was a good one. We watched K.K. dance in a school related performance - all the middle school and high school dance students in her district in performance. It was impressive what the teachers were able to do with so many kids on stage at once and such a range of skills. K.K.'s training shows, and she looked really happy in her school setting. We met her friend Tasha, whose Halloween party she attended - first time not trick or treating with the family. Going out wiht the boys and Joanna, Tracy, and Andrea was a kick - just a happy feeling walking around in the cozy neighborhood admiring costumes and listening to the boys greet school friends. Drea was an adorable elephant who LOVED her little trunk. Liam was an equally adorable little green monster.

This week bob will be in charge of fourth grade PTA program and his kids will be featured in Native American inspired dances. We made a trip to Whole Foods this afternoon to get foods that originated in the Americas to be used in the harvest dance. It was fun gathering all the different shapes and colors, textures and sizes of fruits and vegetables. I think my favorites were the tomatillow - which always surprise me with their papery coating, and a big warty golden and green gourd. Wish Bob's little dancers well. He is nervous, and I think saome of them are too.

I'm trying a poem a day challenge this month - but not with great confidence. THe first prompt is to write about the Day of the Dead and I'll give it a try,

Visitor

Early Halloween dusk, waxing moon.
Cardinal perches perfectly still
on bright patch of winter grass,
oblivious to voices, prowling cat,
laughing baby. Family gathers,
worried, amazed, in awe, watches
together until cardinal stirs,
takes flight into fading light,
no ordinary visitor. Identity undisclosed.
All Souls, All Saints, All mystery.

Today blew in like the icon of Halloween. A still humid mild morning shattered in storm. Sporadic pelting rains have bobmarded my office skylight off and on all day. Now, as evening comes early, the biggest wave of storm pushes in from the north and trees, their leaves faded green but yet to color, dance and sway. Tonight the temperature will drop to near forty. Change change and more change blow in this season in every sector of our lives here.

I think the phrase "winds of change" has real wisdom and truth in it. Change is like wind , refreshing, cleansing, disconcerting, unsettling, potentially dangerous - All. I remember how right it seemed when I first heard the oft repeated saying (whether or not true) that the Chinese symbol for change combines the symbols for danger and opportunity. That is so true, even though it has been repeated to the point of cliche.

So here I stand in a swirl of falling leaves, watching the waxing moon this week, realizing that for the first time in years I lost track of the phase of the moon over the last two months. It has been my habit for years to observe the moon cycles, but somehow I lost September and most of October in re-homing activity and frequent nights of cloud. Vow for now is to watch the moon this month, to reconnect. That cycle follows it's pattern whatever else changes. The constancy is in the changes, I think, at least in this life.

Keep me

Keep me gentle,
mindful, hopeful.
Keep me strong,
active, helpful.
Keep my actions
in allignment
with my love.

The temperature will drop twenty degrees or so tonight and it will storm. Today Bob and I took KK, Danny, and Zachary (gorgeous white Cats style cat with feather boa, frightening sparkling Twilight style vampire, and debonair pirate) to the annual symphony orchestra's children's concert. We went intending to buy tickets but somehow got comped, which was great. We've been going to these concerts in or mostly in costume since Joanna and Ruth were little. My feather boa is orange. I'll even wear it to work on Friday - a once a year pleasure. There's still lots of sorting and thinning to do here, but progress has been huge. We have developed a weekend routine which involves trips to the Farmer's Market, which is a highlight of my week. Cooking is more fun than it's been in a very long time - probably because it's shared. Bob worked hard this weekend on selecting three native American songs and creating basic choreography for an assembly at his school in a couple of weeks. I seem to be resisting writing here - maybe because life is just good in a simple way - not sure. I don't want to let this venue slip.

Good weekend - I'm loving shopping at the Farmer's Market Saturday mornings, cooking up vegetables on Saturday and Sunday - lotw of new tastes to try (and old ones reintroduced). Today my favorite dish was tiny yellow and zuchinni squash, picked really young from a nearby farm, and sauteed with a little green onion and some baby bella mushrooms. Other food delight is that Chris has learned to make lemon meringue pie, a childhood favorite. Yum! Bob and I were able to watch K.k.'s whole dance practice for the Chinese routine for the Nutcracker- fun to watch the girls turn I remember little turn into real ballerinas. We visited Joanna and Andrea at their house when we took K.K. home, and that was a delight. Andrea has huge chocolate eyes, so expressive;

Life is such a balance, that which tires and that which refreshes. Writing promts this week, and the weariness of work well done inspired a couple of poems.


Wildness

Wildness, beyond wires and buildings
wide horizon unlimited, big sky,
out of time, unconnected, no ringers,
numbers, appointments, one right answer
feet on the ground, wind water sounds.
Unexpected animal activity, coyote howl,
Peregrine in pine, Western Pygmy butterflies.
Mystery, unexpected secrets, freedom.
Wildness, beyond designed thought,
evokes words, peace, rest, joy.


Erev Shabbat (my favorite holy day)

The sun on the tree tops no longer is seen.
Week over, work over, responsibilities lain,
Candles lit, light gathered, weary faces smile.
Wordless song rises into cooling night.
All is never right with the world.
Ever Shabbat, I let my troubles rise.

Liam has beaten his mother's record for early walking in our family. He walked at eight months almost exactly (Yesterday for the first time consistently) and Ruth walked at nine months. He is darling, grinning, toddling from person to person - and especially back into Mama's arms, with huge grin. He also has his first shoes and stands steadily in them. lifting the heavy shoes to walk is an effort, though he managed it today sereral times, second day with shoes. The shoes were bought just in time because it is cooling off (in the forties tomorrow night) and new walker that he is the boy wants his feet on the ground.

Andrea, I think, will wait until a more reasonable age to walk because she is VERY mobile crawling on all fours. She gets where she wants to go. Liam did a fine army crawl but skipped all fours crawling to get on his feet.

I know worrying is useless. I know most children who get swine flu have mild cases and recover quickly. I know the lives of children I love are no more precious than the lives of any other children, including the far too many children starving, living in war zones, suffering all over the world. And still, when I look at Liam taking his first brave unassisted steps across the kitchen floor, I think about the five year old girl who went to school a few blocks away from my office and died of swine fluy yesterday. She was healthy before she got the flu, had a pediatrician her mother called, just got sick and died within a few days. It scares me. The scared part of me wants to just close the office and hope they'll close the schools and everybody hole up - and that doesn't really make sense, so I gather my faith and courage for one more day,

Prepare to read a bunch of catch up over the next few days - but not so much tonight. My time in Corpus with Bob was great, both personally and with regard to school and back pack program kick off. I need to be responsible and sleep before the work week starts - but all is very good. One tid bit, at a Corpus birding trail we met a retired entomologist from Wisconsin (warm and delighted, excited, knowledgable, delightful woman) who showed us the tiniest butterfly in the United STates (the Western Pygmy Blue) which is truly tiny and was hiding out in the depths of wildflowers to escape the cool morning. Butterflies our guide taught us, are easy to spot after a cold windy night because they are hungry and out seeking nectar desparately. I didn't know that.

Schedule book found (OK Ruth foound it - thank you Ruth) under my bed where I had looked several times. It is great to have help and great to have my artificial brain back in place. I really depend on that schedule book.

I feel a bit crazy this afternoon. The schedule book that holds my professional brain has disappeared. I have no idea who is coming for app[ointments this afternoon or tomorrow or when, so I just sit at the front desk between sessions and greet all comers. So far, everyhing has worked fine - but it's disconcerting. I have NEVER misplaced the schedule book - have good routines for keeping up with it. I've looked hard at the office and at home. I'm hoping it is in Chris' car - maybe fell out of my bag when I was taking it home Friday. Got to find the thing, but no ppoint in writing more about it.


On more interesting points, it's a chaotic but productive day for Joanna, Ruth, Chris and Tracy. They have the moving truck again and are moving the couch and glorious chair and a half and some other large items from Ruth's house to ours and then Joanna's furniture to Ruth's house. A big job, though Joanna and Tray have done a lot of the moving out already. At least the houses where most of the stuff is are only a few blocks apart. It will be fun to go home and see our house with real furniture in the living room (and beautiful furniture at that).


On the Grandma front, I really really really must spend more time with Andrea and the boys. I get K.K. because of her dance schedule and the location of the studio and Liam because of the co housing, but Andrea is still quite justifiably afraid of both Bob and me - really wary. That won't do for much longer. Got to win that little heart. Of course even Liam, who knows me well, much prefers parental arms when distressed. The boys at least I know well and they me - always great hugs and conversations, just not enough time together. I'm proud of Danny for winning an award at school for kindness and cooperation - real strengths of his. K.K. won some kind of general good student award too, not sure exactly. She's a Chinese dancer in the Nut Cracker this year as expected. It's funny how routine and yet how special the Nut Cracker is for our family now. The first year she was an angel was such a big deal. Now it is just a good part of our life.

WE had a little dinner party ;last ight - Jean and Mark with house residents and Joanna dropped in at just the right moment. I lovecooking for peopke I love - and using farmers' market produce makes it even better. The crew loved the patty pan squash, which made me inordinately happy. Even with my schedule book lost, life is good.

Asking for and accepting help has reached a new level for me. I was feeling completely overwhelmed trying to get my stuff organized in my new smaller bedroom. It seemed like everything I tried was only partially succesful and I was using up my energy at work and on the rest of the house and the belonging pruning. This afternoon I asked Ruth to help me just a little with my room - just to organize my thinking. Then I had to go back to work. When I came home she had made the space beautiful and usable, reorienting the bed, putting the ce3dar chest in the clset and moving dressers out to be more accessible - just really taking care of me by taking care of my space. That is the sweetest thing about htis cohousing for me - being taken care of sometimes. Dishes get washed, food prepared, laundry folded wihtout my doing it. Treats come into the house without my bringing them. I feel like I get the best parts of bing a child - the surprises and the care while getting to do the same kind of nurturing for the others.