Rain

with thunder and lightening broke the stuffy heat this evening, but blocked the moon mostly and any chance of seeing meteors.  KK and Matt and  Bob I went to the Austin Smyphony  which performed with a choir tonight- heard Pslams in Latin and in Hebrew.  Leonard Bernstein's Chichester Pslams in H
ebrew was really beautiful to me.  There is a single boy's voice, representing the voice of the boy David who became king,  singing the Twenty third Pslam with just harp accompanyment against fierce men's voices singing about nation rising up against nation - very powerful with the yearning for oneness in the end.  I grew up on Bernstein - a cool coloring book about the intstruments of the orchestra with a record with him conducting in a pocket in the back cover.  I'm glad my parents exposed me to many of types of music early, even though I am  not musically talented.

Stilts and the Moon

I remember seeing stilts for the fiorst time in a book when I was pforbably four - red wooden painted stilts a boy was walking on - so tall!   I was impressed.  There was a pogo stick on the same page.  Anyway, there is a wonderful, calm, polite crew working on our office now -so different from last week.  They are taping and floating the ceilings and they work on STILTS.  I've never seen this substitute for ladders before and it thoroughly impresses me.  Their stilts are silvery metal, not painted red, and all seem to use them quite efficiently.

The moon was huge tonight - supposed to be even bigger tomorrow night.  I'm in a happy mood after a busy week, happy to have arranged reclaimed bookshelves to allow more book space in my office, happy to have so many of the ones I love safe and together in one home, happy KK is finishing up a great Freshman year in high school, happy that tomorrow Bob and I celebrate our anniversary.  We'll have to take advantage of that big moon.

May baskets

Did any of the rest of you put them on your neighbors porches full of garden flowers when you were little?  I remember making the conical baskets out of construction paper, decorating them carefully, filling them and leaving them so happily.  I did it with my girls too, but the custom seems to have fallen by the wayside.  maybe next year with Liam.  There are several families withyoung kids on our street now, a regeneration of the neighborhood,  I thinkit's time for that kind of old sweet custom.

Crepe myrtles

are barely beginning to bloom.  I saw the first hint of color yesterday, brighter today.  They come on fast here as spring turns to summer and last at least into July.  The first summer I spent in Austin the courtyard below my window was brilliant with crepe myrtles, burgandy and pink.  They are summer's flower for me still.

Calm at the office today - still torn apart of course, but no problems, no new chaos, good conversations with friends.

I heard someone call my grandchildren's generation "natives" regarding electronic technology, and it's true.  It amazes me to see KK sitting on her bed whipping out Power Point slides for a presentation on jazz dance, so much access to pictures and information so fast on the web, and though she is not particularly tech savy for her age, she gets it done and with a naturalness that eludes me still.

Remarkably Calm in Chaos

describes my mood all day. The ceiling removers left a terrible mess. We had to put our offices back together from a really scrambled state. At least they didn't break anything. There is tons of work left to do to make the offices look finished and we were without power for a good bit of the day because the building's power supply was being moved from one wire to another. I fretted about what I would find in the office (and usually I don't fret these days) but I was so glad nothing was broken that I stayed calm and did my work, did my best to comfort friends who were more stressed out by the craziness. Even at home I'm staying calm and so is KK as she wades through the large mass of end of school year homework and show and test preparation. We're getting there. The thing that upsets me the most about the ceiling removal is the lack of honesty on the part of the company that did the work - giving us completely erroneous instructions about how much we needed to do to move our stuff and protect our offices, and about things like whether they would put the lights back in. The particular mistakes they made will be fixed, but I feel a little less positive about and safe in the world seeing such dishonesty and poor workmanship being practiced. On the bright side, Liam, who speaks estraordinarily well for three, does still have some cute combined words. My current favorite is "perjellium" for "petrolium jelly". I'm increasingly respectful of the way Bob spends his retirement. Today he worked on setting up a library at the refugee education center where he volunteers and tomorrow he'll be at the parents' dance guild meeting for KK's school. In between he's entering data for the Obama campaign, working out steadily at the gym, caring for Liam parts of three days each week, and reading lots of high quality books. I still love my work, especially now as our office transition is clearly past the midpoint, but Bob does make retirement look good.

Re-entry

I had a great day with Liam, playing with knights on the floor, putting away laundry, fixing dinner, all the ordinary kinds of things that have always given me pleasure. I remember being the kid in that dyad wiht my Grandma Anna, doing all the ordinary things with great attention to detail and shared joy. I hope Liam remembers these days with me in the same way, or if he doesn't remember, has a feeling laid down of pleasure in the ordinary. I'm freaked out about going back to work tomorrow and trying to put my office back together after the popcorn ceiling removal, which apparently caused much more disruption than expected. I'm not even sure we'll have power. KK is pretty amazing right now - so vulnerable and so full of possibilities. I see her afraid every day about challenges in dance and school, trying to balance her happiness in her relationship with her boyfriend with her commitment to keep doing hard things well. Right now she has a lot going on with end of year testing and one last dance show - a couple of choir shows before new York, but she doesn't seem nervous about those. There's something different about her these days, a new reaching for maturity I think, a sense that she needs to grasp more responsibility right now, afraid or not.

Back from a good birding day

Yesterday was really pretty perfect - sweet time with Bob and the wind blowing and the sun shining but not too brightly in my eyes - the sunscreen working. The birds were out and I've finally gotten a system of using both glasses and binoculars that gives me better views than I've ever gotten - coloring patterns Bob has long described that have and books picture are suddenly THERE on the actual birds. WOW! Pretty birds yesterday were indigo bunting and rose breasted grosbek, also two amazing reddish egrets, one in white phase and one reddish. The white one had all it's breeding plumage on and both gave us great views. Anybody who birds the Corpus area, try Indian Point. The shorebirds especially were numerous, close, and not skittish. We listened to Margaret Atwood's Penelopiad in the car -beautifully crafted as everything Atwood writes and also darker than I feel about human nature. I love the idea of different character's takes on classic stories (midrash in the secular world) and found the focus on the shift from matriarchal to patriarchal cultures fascinating, but the character of Penelope was such a martyr with such an edge that it bothered me. She could kind of laugh at herself, which redeemed her some. Bob liked her better than I did. I love that we can enjoy and discuss books together. This one is short - about three hours on audiobook, so good for a car trip. Today I expect to spend time with KK out in the little house while she does homework. She had fun yesterday at the poos with three teen aged boys including her boyfriend. She didn't get sunburned either. She does not melt when I can't see her. Definitely a Jewish moter stereotype here at times when it comes to things like sunburn. Supposedly the popcorn has been scraped off my ceiling at work and the office is intact. i'm still a little nervous about that. I took everything off the walls and packed up my crystals, statues, fetishes and such on Friday, hopefully safely. The crew hired to remove the popcorn came roaring in before I finished my last session on Friday, planning to work all night - loud and fast and a little scary. I hope they didn't break anything. I did sign another three year lease on the office on Friday. That part feels good.

Fresh start

I did calm down last night and ended up having some good quiet time in the little house with KK while she studied and I played computer games. Then Ruth and I had a fascinating conversation based on the book Quiet which is a research based and really interesting recent work about the nature of introversion and the contributions of introverts to society. Twentieth century America really put high value on extroversion - the loud, charismatic, quick deciding, alpha, life of the party kind, and confused introversion with shyness, poor social skills, anxiety, all kinds of things it's not. One of the characteristics the book claims belong to introverts is the tendency to be easily stimulated and overstimulated by the environment. That is surely me, and surely what happened yesterday. Those of you who keep reading here will probably be reading more about this book. This morning is softly cool before a warm afternoon. Bob and I are leaving for the coast right after work for a quick day of birding the end oof spring migration. KK will be going to the pool with friends tomorrow while we are gone and, with my morning freshness, it is easier to accept that she can put on her own sunscreen. "I'm almost sixteen." she reminded me, "I can put on my own sunscreen." And she's right. I think I'm overprotective about sun issues and this little redhead because I got such bad sunburns as a young girl before real sunblock was invented.

Hard Day

It was a hard hard work day - always running late, running after myself, forgetting, chasing, got me home irritable and overstimualted, not quite able to stay balanced and kind with the family I love. I wish I were less anxious, less high strung, easier. I usually make up for my natural intensity with extra self management, but when I let the bottom fall out it really falls out. I sent myself to my room while the others are at the table, trying to gather. I guess I put myself in time out. Living with a three year old is good. Liam doesn't really lose it very often, but when he does I think he feels just like I do tonight and the result isn't all that different. There's something comforting in the universiality of emotion - something I remember from being around children.

Beginning again

I haven't been keeping this blog, haven't been writing the patterns of my days and nights during a spring that has been full of change and challenge. My office building, which is the home of so much of myself, is still undergoing remodel and the group of friends with whom I've long worked is rebalancing, roles and rooms shifting. It's thrown me way off, all this change - not tragic, not even bad. It's just been too hard to write about. I'm sticking a foot back into this blog. I want to dive in. I want to promise posts every day and quotes and poems and wisdom and insights. I know I'm not so good at keeping promises lately, especially to myself. So what I can say is I made this post. I'm sticking my foor back in. I hope to be at least knee deep by the end of the week.

I'm thoughtful tonight - thinking that the ordinary days are holy days - glad for my ordinary days, wanting to make each one holy. I enjoyed this last round of holidays. They are special too. I'm just ready now for ordinary day by day special as the light returns and hte days lengthen. Winter will get colder, but I am happy to know that the cycle is already building toward spring.

Home from our runaway - late after dinner out with Joanna. I loved being out in the air and the sun and even a little rain. Texas has a little salt lake I didn't even know about where you can sometimes see thousands of sand hill cranes and snow geese, hundreds of long billed curlews. We found the lake - off the beaten track, but not at sunset when we would have seen the birds come back in. We plan to go back for that later this winter. i think I am ready for new beginnings now.

Peace,
Victoria

Yesterday was a difficult work day with a good ending at home with Shabbat dinner and grand kids sleeping over. I was so tired, emotionally and physically, from an intense short work week and a day of witnessing too much despair. Lying on the sofa with Zachary snuggled in close, telling me he loved me as he fell asleep was a perfect antidote. I want to innoculate my grandchildren against the possibility of lives of despair, desparation,r desolation but of course I can't. I can just love them. And I so.

Bob and I have run away from home for the ending and beginning of the old nd new year. We are down in the south Texas Valley - Years ago called Valley of the Palms - come to look at the birds. We had a good afternoon of birding. The green jay has a brilliant blue head. I always forget that. The culture of birders in RV's is intriguing. They were very friendly, warm, invited us to a New Year's Eve party at the camp ground - people our age on bikes with binoculars, living three months here three months there. I don't know if I could like doing that - it feels so unrooted, so utterly leisure. I think I would have to really unhook from my needs to be needed and to feel useful to live like that. I also think I'd miss having a real kitchen. Probably I'm just not ready to think about any major retirement related changes yet.

Yesterday I was down, had trouble looking forward to the new year. Tonight in a motel room in Refugio I feel more hopeful - still not quite sure what I'm looking forward to, but ready to look forward.

My energy feels forward focused, Christmas and Hannukah behind, very sweet, I feel like there's a wind at my back, not looking over my shoulder much. One thing I wanted to record about the last year. It'a the year I started wearing ethnic clothing, especially silk Indian clothing with beads and embroidery. I buy them at Savers for twelve or fifteen dollars for a gorgeous three piece outfit. It is so liberating for me. The kinds of clothes available for older America women bore me and I adore this new flowy, bright colored look - costumes every day, not uniforms!

Mary, I haven't been as chatty as I'd like either. Yesderday was very busy - no computer time until I was so sleepy I kept nodding off trying to do the simplest thing. But ir was a great day. We celebrated Danny's birthday with used store shopping, which this batch of kids loves, lunch at a Chinese buffet (his choice and logical for a starving growing runner who likes lots of flavors and needs lots of food), and the late afternoon and evening at Sea World on those wonderful free passes.. The highlight of the shopping was leather jackets for all three big kids. They are THRILLED. All look good but Danny's is amazing, really a great looking item on him. I had so much fun being at Sea World with the whole crew, seeing all the cousins interact sweetly and my girls together. The only lousy thing was that Tracy was sick with a stomach bug and couldn't come. I hope the rest of us stay well. Also, Bob just gets more tired on days like this than I wish he did - leg muscle tired even with all the working out he is doing. It is frustrating for him. Still, we don't have anything real to complain about. I go back to work in an hour or so, but have a pretty short day.

We kind of missed the last night of Hannukah, being out celebrating Danny. I had my personal moment, watching the sunset sky flare with light in rich apricots. Hannukah was good for me this year. I do feel more light going out than coming into it, more hope and more energy. I also feel a strong sense of family, warm and together to face whatever comes.

I think about the new year coming and feel a desire to shift energy a little, perk up, have diversity,new experiences, eat less sugar, write more paper letters, learn a little more about knitting, love better, use my toung in defense less often. I'm in my "give yourself to love" place and hope I can live it as strongly as I feel it. Because love is what i'm after.

Happy tonight, disorganized, but happy. There are so many letters i want to write on actual paper in pretty colors of ink, so many cards I've saved over the years I want to send, so many beads I wonder if I'll ever string, so much yarn. I want to want less and have less and yet there are times I want more. Tonight the Hannukah candles were so bright we could have read by them, and we thought about the many generations who did read by candle light. I dedicate tonight's candle to the enernal quest for balance.

Strange for it to be Christmas without seeing joanna and her kids. We'll celebrate with them on Tuesday, and in this house we are keeping Hannukkh, not Christmas, but I still missed Joanna's Christmas morning the way she makes it magic. It was a good day though. We decorated moose and beat masks with glitter and sequins, decorated Hannukah cupcakes (which was FUN. Liam can do it just fine this year, and I haven't played with sprinkles and icing in years. Bob and I walked by Town Lake as late afternoon faded to dusk and the water took on the pearly colors of the sky. Almost all the leaves are gone and the cormorants who winter in the old bald cypresses are back in force.

Tonight's candle is for communication, that we all might be better able to speak our truths and to listen to the truths of others.

Fifth night of Hannukah falls on Christmas Eve. I feel the sweetness of the celebration of the birth of hope - whether in the form of a messiah or in any other form. For solong after Kerry died I wouldn't hope about anything - could not bear the idea of having another foundation shattered. Bob shook sense into me about that. It was too hard, too depressing to live without hope that tomorrow would come. I don't trust that tomorrow will come. it might not. But I hope it will, and that's enough.

Tonight's candle was for all of us who have trouble admitting when we have been wrong.

I had a good first full day of being sixty one - I worked and felt good about it, spent an hour in the fancy grocery store, Central Market, choosing a few fun luxuries for the season, bath foam, sweet oils, chocolate. I felt that fun rush of spirit I have felt other years at winter holidays and found myself smiling at everyone. I didn't get a lot of smiles back. People were buying festive type things - flowers, shrimp, cheese balles, wine - but they looked more harried than festive most of them, which disappointed me. I wanted to be met good cheer for good cheer.

Chris outdid himself with our Shabbat meal, designed for my tastes because of the birthday and boy did he hit. Mushrroms, squash with onions, orzo, and lemon ginger trifle for dessert with sparkler candles in it and voices of my closest ones singing the birthday song. Sweet. We had four mennorot burning tonight plus the Shabbat candles. My fourth night candle was for our beloved dead.

I've had a great birthday, feel much loved and celebrated. I worked a little, enjoyed meals with family, walked in the woods with Bob, talked, reflected, listened - ended with third Hannukah candle and now some computer time.

So what happened the year I was sixty?

Bob and I traveled the Civil Rights trail - so many memories of a difficult and powerful time in the history of our nation. So shameful we needed a Civil Rights Movement at all. It is more real for me now, the depth of the need and the heat of the movement after having stood on the steps of the church bombed in Montgomery, walked across the William Pettis Bridge imimagining being met with clubs, chased on horseback. It especially feels real after having stood in the parking lot looking up onto the hotel balcony where Martin Luther King Jr, died.

I learned simple knitting from Mary Lee (Thank you! Thank you!) and have
been knitting compulsively and joyfully for almost a year now. It is so much fun to be able to put colors and textures together in this way.

Bob and I started writing letters once a month with the local Amnesty International chapter, a stretch for two introverts and also rewarding.

Diane Truswell died on July 6 and Bob and I drove up to her memorial service in Wisconsin later in the summer. I miss her alomost daily, reread her poems, and remember the strength and integrity of her life. I also am more aware of mortality since she died and trying harder to live each moment with as much love and presence as possible.

KK started arts highschool and is thriving as student, dancer, human being. It's a delight to have her in the little house in our back yard and Liam in his room down the hall. I give a loud cheer for multigenerational living, hectic at times but even richer than I could have imagined. I miss Zachary, Danny and Andrea but am glad they are only down the road in San Antonio and not across the country. A goal for the next year is to have more time and connection with them.

Bob retired from teaching after a horrible semester of sixth graders. He is happy in retirement, pursuing many interests and I have come to love having him more available and present. He is glue in my life on the crazy busy days when I work too hard. We started writing a children's book together, got discouraged, and vowed today to starrt up again.

I'm very aware that I don't know how many more birthdays I will have. None of us knows (duh!) Birthdays were not a big deal in my family growing up and I think I am just now beginning to appreciate the celebration of the blessing of another day, a start into another year.