I just got back from boy world - Cub Scout meeting with Danny. He looks so sharp in his blue uniform shirt, so happy and proud. It was an education for this emigrant from girl world. I watched with admiration as the pack master (a local judge and father of young boys) worked with boys of all elementary ages, balancing rough physical play, burp and fart humor, with values for participating in a democratic process (voting on T shirt designs the boys suggested), talking about positive accomplishments, listening, including newcomers. The song the boys shouted out to "On Top of Old Smoky" was about overdosing on pink bug juice at Boy Scout camp and everybody getting the runs. I noticed myself blushing, along with most of the mommies while the daddies and boys sang unabashedly - Danny included. I don't know how much gender difference is innate and how much taught - but it is sure real by second grade. I cringed a little at the military bearing of the boys - imagining them in other uniforms fighting foreign wars. But I like this group of people and more importantly, Danny likes it and had a great time.

Friday morning - We've had our first real norther. I was out when it came, felt the first wind shift, the first drops of cool rain. I've been waiting for this for weeks, and with high eagerness the last three days since I've begun to see color shifts in the trees. But its been a disappointment - not enough wind, not enough quickening. I feel guilty about feeling ungrateful for a delightful change, lowered temperatures, much needed rain. But I do feel ungrateful. I wanted this norther to blow into my soul and clean out every sense of sludge.

The tents are still in the living room. I can't face the camping closet tonight - but we all had fun and really enjoyed the late summer (officially early fall but it was warm day cool night no leaf change yet) hill country. It was probably the last good chance for river swimming - and the first time I've seen all three grand kids spend hours in a river - competent and imaginative - a great play experience for all of us.

It felt right to live in tents (girls and boys) under the full moon. There's no real reason. It rose scarlet, faded to lemon and finally to silver, kept us company all night.

Highlights were coyotes howling in the night, woodpecker tapping as an alarm clock,Zachary's delight at being able to play in the river with the big kids, Danny's total freedom and delight in the water - boy in element, no fear, waking with KK to the sound of gentle rain on our tent in the middle of the night - both of us amazed, all of us hiking a short steep trail to a cave and back down with no incident, managing the food so we were all satisfied, the way the kids helped, listening to Danny tell the story to his mom on the phone, especially his delight in seeing a doe with two big fawns(no more spots) in the woods.

Discovery

Moon silver through layers of tent,
higher each time I wake, round ripe fruit
drips dream seeds into expectant sleep.

Mockingbird is singing tonight and the moon rose almost full - so round in the early dusk - palest gold. I still feel the sweetness of Yom Kippur, but also a mixture of excitement and concern about taking the grandkds camping this weekend at Garner State Park. Bob is tired from a busy week at school and I'm not great with tents and camping food - and will be working al day tomorrow - but I'm more excited thaan woried. The kids are completely excited. I feel a happy connection going out to Garner. It was my first Texas STate Park as a college girl transplanted from California. Jean's family took me and it was this time of year. I remember wading in the river and climbing the rocky hill. I expect to repeat these experiences this weekend - and to enjoy the moonlight in the country.

Back in ordinary time. Still high from Yom Kippur, truly dancing with the Torah, singing in community, feeling like real turning and change are both possible and real. Today has felt like a new day, new world. I think I have been kind all day, stayed in wise self, held the light. I know I will not hold in this high and shining place, but some of yesterday's holiness has stayed, and that feels wonderful.

High Holy Days are hard - important, and hard. The rabbi said the day is a beginning, a real beginning of a new world. I took that to heart this year. I believe every day is a beginning of a new world. There are so many choice points. So many ways to consciously or uncounsiously create healing or hurt. I try for healing, but often create hurt. I strive for consciousness but often miss. Even when I act out of love, in best consciousness, in highest intention, it is not always - not even often - enough to heal the hurts of those I love most. And still, right now, with fall light softening and the colors of tonights sunset still unkownable, I have another new beginning - another chance. May I use it for good.

Outside

I'm not Jewish enough
not raised with enough
Hebrew or the words
to all the chants inscribed
inside my eyelids. the
blessings do not dance to
my lips like wind on water.
I never quite know if I chant
too loud or sway too far or
reach with too much hunger
toward the Torah, toward
community with people who
claim me, know me, own me.

Inside

Under my prayer shawl,
chanting in the minor
key of yearning, wordless,
I sway and bend
like a cypress in wind,
I am and do not pretend.
I am, if not Jewish enough,
human enough, inside.
under my prayer shawl.

It is too late to write as much as I want and still get up for work in the morning, but in keeping with my desire to keep posting regularly, I will at least report in. The last three days have been good ones. Danny really liked the kick off mile run for Marathon Kids on the University of Texas track. He has until February to run all but the last mile, which will also be run on the track in a group. Marathon Kids is a neat program promting fitness and nutrition. In addition to t he running both of my school age grands have signed a pledge to eat five fruit or vegetable servings a day (and received fun plastic bracelets to remind them of their promises). This grandma (without even getting a bracelet) has also been reminded and is more vigalent about getting enough fruits and veggies every day. I'm wondering if any of the rest of you have grands associated with Marathon Kids.



The gymnastics meet was a good one for KK, with improved scores, especially a high score in vault. We were all proudest of her lowest score because it showed the kind of resilience we so admire. She had one of those going blank moments early in her floor exercise and just didn't remember the moves - right there in front of everybody - but she held her composure and the body memory came back and she came back so strong on the last tumbling run that she still stayed above eight even on that event. Its not the score that impresses me so much as the holding on in face of adversity, not choking.

The thread about balancing focus with kids has ben encouraging. KK is working so hard right now, and she deserves attention for that (and focusing on it and her is fun). We just need to keep remembering the boys. Danny has a camp out next weekend with his Mom, so that is special for him. And Zach is young enough that it is not hard to do things that he finds novel and special.



I had a delightful Sunday and Monday with Bob. Yesterday we swam in the still warm gulf and visited favorite birding spots. The songbird migration is around midpoint here and we were at a favorite pond near dusk where we enjoyed seeing ten kinds of warblers. I got a great view of an eastern water thrush, a bird I have recently learned to identify. And we has fun listening to a very experienced birder discource on everything we saw - and much I wouldn't have seen without her presence. The black terns (not black in this season) were flying high overhead on their way to Peru and her appreciation of their habits, destination, and delicate wing beats touched me. It is so much fun to be around people who are passionate about and know thoroughly just about anything.



Today at Bob's school I wat in the back of the room making folders and listened as he taught thorough review lessons on big numbers and rounding. He is really in the teaching flow and watching that is such a treat. I especially enjoyed talking with some of the fourth graders I've known since second grade. They are more reserved now, less transparent (and of course bigger) but still warm with me and that was a treat. I will be spending a couple of days in the classroom in November and I'm looking forward to that.

I am very aware tonight how important it is for me to moderate work flow - to take breaks between clients. I worked too many sessions back to back today and ended th day strung out and irritabl - unable to handl changes in plans well. Balance is so hard.

My last activity of the day was a delight. I was Danny's Boy Scout Buddy aat his first pack meeting as a Wolf Cub. Danny seemed to fit in easily with the boys, engaging in a skit which was really very funny (so simple and yet genuinely funny). I liked the men who lead the pack, their obvious pleasure in scouting and each other as well as in the kids. They talk about working to design meetings that are fun for the boys and also encourage listening, paying attention, and group discussion. One thing the boys did was communally generate a "code of bhavior" for hte meetings. They also had crab and bar walk racs. Next weknd Danny and Joanna will go on a camp out near Bastrop. Sounds like fun.

I am very aware tonight how important it is for me to moderate work flow - to take breaks between clients. I worked too many sessions back to back today and ended th day strung out and irritabl - unable to handl changes in plans well. Balance is so hard.

My last activity of the day was a delight. I was Danny's Boy Scout Buddy aat his first pack meeting as a Wolf Cub. Danny seemed to fit in easily with the boys, engaging in a skit which was really very funny (so simple and yet genuinely funny). I liked the men who lead the pack, their obvious pleasure in scouting and each other as well as in the kids. They talk about working to design meetings that are fun for the boys and also encourage listening, paying attention, and group discussion. One thing the boys did was communally generate a "code of bhavior" for hte meetings. They also had crab and bar walk racs. Next weknd Danny and Joanna will go on a camp out near Bastrop. Sounds like fun.

At the end of another long work day I don't feel full of words, but I want to feed my renewed habit of bloggingg. The issues that come up for people in my therapy office seem to follow trends. This week much discussion has been around hope and hopelessness - the same thread Peggy opened on the HCC board. I wonder how much of that has to do with the September 11 anniversary and/or the coming change of season. I found myself speaking up today in favor of hope and action, against cynicism. If I take notice of pain, make an effort to help, try to do the next right thing, I may make mistakes but I will at least have a shot at making a positive difference. If I turn away and do nothing I know I change nothing. I don't have to know the outcome will be good or understand the whole problem. I can't. I can attempt to understand enough, to care enough, and to do the next right thing.

Today was a long work day and tiring, but I had the treat at the end of going out for Mexican food with Joanna and KK, who had just finished ballet class. It was raining out as we soaked in the rich smells and tastes of a warm restaurant - a good way to end a busy day.

A friend on a my half century club message board asked what we saw in the world today that gives us hope for the future. I appreciated the question. Sometimes it is easier for me to feel overwhelmed than hopeful. I do feel hope pased on the progress that has ocured in civil rights and rights for women in the decades of my adulthood. I believe that a higher percentage of persons is more open to diversity in many aspects of life style (though a minority is intensely closed to diversity) than in past decades. I am a person who generally sees hope on a small scale, individual by individual. The clients I see at work, people dedicated to growing past losses, contributing what they can to the world, hoping and thriving, give me hope. The students Bob teaches and their parents, many of them first generation Americans, still working on their English, but full of gratitude to Bob for his efforts and interest, eager to learn, striving, give me hope. Today I felt a moment of hope on the bus when a young man sitting next to me was sufficiently mindful to anticipate a need and help the driver ready straps to accomodate a man in a wheel chair who was boarding the bus. The fact that a small convention of dentists has hired my partner Bill to do a seminar for them on wisdom stories with the stated goal that they want to slow their pace and attend to life balance issues, gives me hope. Wonderful writers who continue to tell important stories (Acts of Faith) about our complex and confounding world, give me hope. Watching my grand daughter's gymnastics team work out - the discipline of the girls and their kindness toaward one another, gives me hope. And always, the cycles of the moon and the seasons, the flow of rivers, the butterflies on the milkweed call out to the part of me that wants to hope even against all hope.

Its been almost six months since I touched this blog. Computer problems last spring shut me down, but since June I've just been stuck in inertia. The fall change is upon us here - rain falling, temperatures also falling out of the miserabl ot range - energy rising. By act of will, I am reviving this blog starting tonight.

I think tonight of lives lost five years ago when the twin towers fell and the Pentagon was attacked. I think of all the lives lost and changed in the wars and terrorist attacks that have occured during the last five years. I mourn. And I grab hold of this moment, this breath, this night and commit myself to a life focused on healing not hurting, life not death.

Raining - raining - raining. It has been raining most of the day and is supposed to continue most of the week. We need it. The winter was dangerously dry with wild fires and a burn ban all over Texas. Now spring is coming into green softness, but slowly after a major cold snap last week. Trees still look scraggy - not lush yet - in transition, like awkward adolescents. A week from now it will be very different I think - full spring.

I finished my hospice volunteer training today. It is exciting to me to be working on a volunteer project with Ruth - following her lead in the photo part of the project at least. Its been a while since I worked with hospice or grief groups, and I think I've missed it. I didn't plan to start volunteering until I closed my practice in ten years or so - but this feels good now.

We did have a good spring break week. While Bob was home we made a day trip down to Fulton to see the birds at Aransas National Wildlife Refuge from a boat with commentary by an experienced birder. (And we saw the first bluebonnets of spring on the way down). From the boat we saw 23 whooping cranes, including at least five babies, one still strongly cinnamon colored. There were only fifteen whoopers left in the world in the forties when the project to save them began - 215 now, so seeing so many in one day was amazing and hopeful. We also had funny experience of seeing a greater flaming -- yes pink and standing on one leg -- who DOES NOT belong in the Aransas refuge. Occasionally an adolescent flies up from Mexico and visits. He looked pretty odd standing in the midst of a bevy of white pelicans, who DID NOT enjoy his presence.

Bob is working very hard to get his fifth grade science and math program up to speed, and its been a huge challenge, but he seems to be making real inroads. He says it would be much easier to teach fifth grade at Menger next year, especially math, Science would still be a challenge. The decision about whether to apply for jobs closer to home opens up next month. It will be a hard one, financially to our advantage and nice to be simplified back to one home and together every night -- but could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire regarding principals and such and he would like to leave on the note of having finished a really successful year feeling strong and competent. Change is hard. We really don't know what choice we'll make (and of course not what will be available if he does choose to look). There is a program here Alliance Schools, which selects schools which serve low income populations and have a high commitment to excellence and community involvement. Probably Bob will apply to all of those.

Ruth and Chris were in Austin on their spring break too and it was fun having them as house guests. They were pretty busy visiting friends and doing city errands, but we enjoyed evenings together. Ruth has volunteered with a local hospice Austin to do a photo project with them -- somehow helping families record and treasure photo memories when a death is imminent. I don't know exactly what she will do, but she is excited by this opportunity and needs a photo assistant who is certified with the hospice. That would be me once I can get trained and get my TB test. I'm waiting for a call back. I'm also volunteering to do their newsletter. I went this morning for training and go back tomorrow before work to finish training. I find the volunteer coordinator and the bereavement services coordinator wonderfully refreshing real, hard working women, who were very open and welcoming to me. It was fun being the beginner, not in charge. I think this will be a great opportunity for Ruth and me to work together doing something meaningful - also a chance to expand my community.

Chris has already started applying to jobs in the Austin area. He and Ruth want to get back into their house and their life here, though this school year has been successful, exciting and educational for both of them, OR they want to move to the Pacific northwest where they love the nature and progressive political climate. A huge deal over break was the discussion in which I got it (after may tears and much protestation) that moving might really be the best thing for them and that I don't need out little family community to continue as is. I could be happy with a scattered family. I was completely stubborn on this issue, but something has shifted and the shift is real. I work like that. I'm wedded to my position until I'm not and then I don't look back. This surprises Chris who hasn't seen it may times yet, but is a relief to Ruth. She says they probably will not choose to move because of expensive housing up there, Chris' trouble with lack of sunlight, and their own attachment to staying near family. We'll see.

I had lots of Grandma fun over spring break. Joanna's kids continue to grow up (of course)! Every time I see KK dance, she's markedly better. The first weekend of break we were able to attend "watching days" in her classes, which was a treat. The instruction she's getting is excellent and the steps are getting harder and harder. Watching all the young dancers concentrate so fiercely and work so hard is inspiring.

Zachary is lots of fun these days, talking in sentences and tearing about getting into and climbing up and over everything he encounters. That kid knows no obstacles even when they seem apparent to others. Sunday lunchtime was a prime example. He asked Ruth if he could ride in her car to a restaurant and she said "No' because the car seat was in Bob's car ad she didn't want to move it. Zach wet out and unstrapped the car seat and lugged it over to Ruth's car ad hefted it up on the seat -- of course he couldn't do the straps. We were all impressed.

I'm working, reading, enjoying my new venture of selling beads on eBay -- enjoying having my family close for now. I'm not writing much beyond my daily writing practice and bead descriptios, but want to change that - WILL change that. It will be easier now that I don't have a house full of people. .

With regard to yesterday's entry about the most looked up words, Ruth read it and commented that people might have been thinking about structural integrity - like the levees didn't have. That makes sense. I know that meaning well and wonder why I t didn't occur to me.

Spring wise, this is the first orning I look out my back window and see a cloud of (still a bit scraggy and sickly) green in the tree tops. And the sky is that shade of fresh washed blue that only comes in early spring and after a thunder storm, which we did have last night.

I'm still playing with beads and put up my first one day only auction (green for St. Patrick's Day) last night. So far so good. I do have bids.

Merriam-Webster OnLine just released its list of top searched words of 2005: integrity, refugee, contempt, filibuster, insipid, tsunami, pandemic, conclave, levee and inept. On first reading this list bothered me - seemed focused on disaster, fear, and judgement (I'm not saying its incorrect) of the government. I found the list depressing for the first day, then looked at it again and thought maybe people are just interested in understanding what's going on. Maybe some of these words are really new to the. I applaud curiosity. I wonder about myself and my initial judgeent. The word integrity is positive, and I initially assued that it was being researched in terms of "lack or" on the part of elected officials. Now I wonder.

On a different note, spring continues in Austin. I was sad to see the first few leaves on one red bud, indicating the flowers will start to fade soon. Flowering tree time is so short. The wisteris is already beginning to fade. A funny side bar about Austin spring is that the streets and the lawns of greening grass are covered with fallen brown leaves. The very common and prized evergreen live oak drops its old leaves in March, never completely becoing bare, just looking shabby for a few weeks while new leaves bud. KK's tree is a live oak and is shedding while her brothers' trees green up.

This evening as I walked home from the bus stop at sunset I saw a heavy black woman - youngish - standing on the bridge over Shoal Creek, smoking a cigarette. She looked out of place - and I censored myself for thinking that. Then as I walked by her, she asked me for money. That has never happened right here in the neighborhood - just a block from the house - on foot. I felt vulnerable, invaded, and guilty. I wanted to feel generous, but I didn't. I didn't want her there (here) so close to home challenging me with her need. I gave her a dollar and I could tell she thought that wasn't nearly enough. I had more, but I didn't reach back into my bag. I was scared, rattled. I didn't want her to be there, within my inner sanctum of places wanting money. I wonder if she is a hurricaine survivor. I wonder what she's been through - how she washed up in my neighborhood asking for money. I care and I don't care. I don't want her to suffer and I don't want her on my "doorstep." I'm locking my doors tonight. I don't like myself very much right now.

It is red bud time - a hint last week and brighter pink every day - trees clouded with pink - no leaves yet. When the leaves start the flowers begin to fade. Zachary's tiny cpress is fringed in needles and Danny's aple pops with buds. It is earliest spring - no wild flowers yet but tree flowers - a precious and very short time.

This evening some of the sweetest parts of family history replay. Joanna is with KK at ballet watching day and the boys are with me. Danny did his homework. They played in the sweet spring evening in the back yard where their other and auntie played. The sounds of little boys are a little different - more truck sounds - but the feeling is the same - me in the kitchen, spring in the air, happy kids out back. I like anchoring a second generation from the same house. .

I feel like I caught up with myself a little today - cleaning house, moving spring clothes into my closet and winter clothes out, writing a little. Its been a gentle day, a good day.

The first daffodils of spring are up and it was warm today - sleeveless dress war - yesterday too after being COLD for a week or so running.

I'm still really caught up in the beads - the eBay thing is successful so far. I have my third auction up and will leave it alone (the listing's what takes tie) for a couple of days. I ay even really write here something of quality.

DEtails of life - helping Danny with reading homework and practice is fun. He is getting the whole reading writing thing and his concentration is fun to watch. I wish Bob were ore cofortable in his classroom, but soe good things are happening there. One boy brought in ten rulers to compensate for the many the class has lost or broken. Bob'snew system of teaching math sees to be working.