Today was a good family day, including a ride with Liam and Ruth on a little train with a Halloween themed tunnel. It is newish, an engine named Sophie, not far from the house. We all enjoyed the short hill country ride in the open train on a mild bright fall afternoon. KK has all homework done so she won't have to think about it on Halloween. Bob is a little better each day with regard to his sinus infection. I wish it would be gone already.

the local "Boo Zoo" Halloween event with young family friends and K.K. with her daddy for the night. KK is so big! I remember when she, then each of her brothers, was the baby or toddler we took to "Boo Zoo" I felt a little sad being out of the "Boo" loop, but this morning KK and I had fun dressing not quite in costume but in Halloweeny clothes for the last pre-spooky woek/school day. I love it that she wore one orange earring and one black. I love her sense of style. I love it even more that she thinks its fun to dress up with me. I feel more than a little sad that I won't see Danny, Zachary, and Andrea this Halloweenbut have enough perspective to know how fortunate I am to have had them right here so long and close still. In the costumey trend, My friend Beth and I made fall crowns for ourselves today, feathers, beads, stones set on elastic covered with ribbons. They really turned out pretty. I'm wearing mine as I type.

My mood is obviously better than the last couple of days, though Bob's job is still tough and he is in the midst of a sinus infection. He is a little better today and had a less terrible school day. I am feeling the shabbat freshness more than last week and am putting the concerns of making enough enough .

My life trucks along in the midst of an Internationaal Terror alert with some
antiSemites in Ymen mailing explosives to synagogues - deeply distresskubg,

I keep falling behind with this blog, and I hate it. This is a crazy fall, ups and downs. I worry about Bob in his school, such a tough placement for him and such tough lives for the many of his students- toughness resulting in toughness, pain being used to pass on pain. I worry about our world, so much self-centeredness of so many kinds. It seems like there is so little I can do to make life better for anybody, and yet each little action is an action.

it's been a hard week, work frustrations for Bob and sadness over a friend in trouble for KK. It's odd how much I write about Shabbat on this blog, but truth is it's an anchor for me, especially tough weeks. Tonight Bob and I were the only ones at the table at sunset and we decided to light the candles and make the blessings anyway, and it did geel good, like peace descended. I should sleep now and hopefully write more that makes more sense tomorrow.

I'm having a terrible time just sitting down to blog here and I hate it, so much is going on. It's time to resort to bullets again, I think. Let's see what I can do in fifteen minutes befre my first client arrives.

- Living in a multiple generation household continues to be glorious for me. I wish more families would try it without economic necessity or the sense of anybody having failed. It just feels so much more connected for me than the nuclear family every generation to itself way. There is more work (dishes, laundry, logistic decisions, but also more hands and minds to apply to everything), more points of view, not to mention the joy of the kids, the huggles and snuggles from Liam, the chance to see KK bloom academically, personally, and as a dancer. I love being part of a household in which I can be helpful and receive help. Maybe it's the antidote to my happy enough but somewhat isolated years as an only child.

- KK is living in her little house, though the inside is not finished. She adores it and adore spending time out there with her doing homework, organizing, or just chatting - very peaceful. Chris is working on the wiring today and completion is seeming part of the near, not distant future. It is working out great for KK to have her beloved cat Dinah with her in the little house.

- The magnet arts academy at McCallum had an open house last week and KK, Bob , and I were all drop dead impressed. The kid has to audition, but they are still building the dance thread and looking for dancers, so she should get in easily. Her pre-audition workshop is in a couple of weeks.

-Bob has a tough class, especially his afternoon group, and is tired and sometimes discouraged by both their out of control behavior and the lack of interest in learning, but he's hanging in. I help out in the class on Monday afternoons and tutor the refugee students, which is getting easier and more fun.

- KK very generously is sharing the coupons on the backs of old ballet tickets so I can go to Zumba class with her FREE at least once a week. I adore Zumba. I don't jump as high or move as fast as the younger dancers but I have every bit as much fun, even when I still get left and right feet mixed up. Getting to the gym is hard since I can only go as Bob's guest and he's so worn out he doesn't go much. We will get that back, but I will try to keep Zumba, which is a huge joy, with the lively international rythyms and the chance to just bust out and move.

- I'm having fun with the online poetry world, getting acquainted with the work of other poets and hearing their impressions of my work - feels good. If you are interested in this part of my life, check the And Now Poems blog.

- Visiting Joanna's family in their new home and celebrating her birthday was great. The house is small and simple and missing some amenities I have come to take for granted, like a dish washer, but it works for them. Jo has done a good job pf making it homey fast. The boys look and sound great. Danny especially likes his math and science teacher. Andrea is utterly darling and seems to remember me, or at least is very generous with kisses. She takes after her mother and wants the same books read over and over and OVER AND OVER. Joanna says it's payback.

- Time for clients now, but I think I did pretty well for 15 minutes. More later.

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Picture perfect almost fall weather here. As mornings progress toward noon I can feel the heat of sunlight from the east and the cool breeze from the west at the same moment - a lovely between sensation. K.K. is between too. Last night she and Bob and I attended the open house at the performing arts high school she will probably attend - seems great with a real dance major. The high school students in the arts academy performed beautifully and also were pelasant to talk to, grown up. it reminded me of my old California high school in attitude and excitement. K.K. felt it too, and was happy to see several of her Ballet Austin and school friends in attendance. This afternoon Ruth and Liam and I went to a pumpkin patch which has been held for years by a neighborhood church. I was taken by the varaiety of pumpkins - not only traditional orange in many sizes from tennis ball to doll house, but bright red bumpy, and orange and white striped pumpkins and some green and slightly flattened. There were also gorgeous swan gourds, which are new to me and truly resemble that bird in a number of positions -(various from gourd to gourd). Liam delighted in the pumpkins, found the discipline not to climb the piles or use them as balls. Ruth taught him to "place" the pumpkins gently back down after holding them, and with a little practice that took. We let Liam buy one little fifty cent pumpkin for himself . I gave him two quarters and he took his quarters and his pumkin to the table where a sweet church gentleman negotiated the sale, which he and Liam sealed with a handshike. I love watching the civilization of the children, the ways they learn the rules and traditions of our culture.

My life feels like I'm working triple shifts, with home and family life, work, and personal writing and reading and being. It leaves me late with blogging, but I am still really happy with the way it feels. I feel fifteen years younger because my life, with kids in the house, is fifteen years younger. It's great, but I don't always notice the passage of days. I respect Mommy bloggers who keep up the pattern of regular blogging - can't be easy. At this moment I'm about to go off to Bob's school to tutor the refugee children, which is going well buit stretches my ability to think of images and draw them (how do you draw a river in ten seconds and get the meaning across?) Happy item is that Bob, KK, and I visited Joanna and her family in San Antonio yesterday, and I feel good about the way they are pulling life togetehr there in the new house - small, but liveable. Fresh fall weather is very much upon us, and Ruth and Chris did three wonderful meals in the sukkah. (I do know the holiday is over but the season isn't and we are continuing to enjoy our lovely sukkoah. The instructions on the kit joked that it is required to be down relatively soon which some people interpret as "by Channukah". We'll beat that deadline, but we're still enjoying our little shelter under the stars.)

Week is moving quickly. Fall has arrived with beautiful clear days and cool nights. KK is sleeping in her little house under quilts, so snug in her bed. We've had some misadventures including a flat tire on Pearl the Prius which Bob and I replaced on the way home from work today - ended up walking to a new to us Mexican diner while the new tires were installed and enjoyed mole and each other's company. More seriously, Chris' bike was stolen from outside the tutoring office in which he works, right in our neighborhood. He rides it every day and is pretty upset. A happy event involved Ruth and Liam watching a local little league team and the nine year old Red Sox inviting Liam into the dugout - his first chance to hang out wiht "the guys". It is bizarre to me that a student at UT ran across campus yesterday firing shots and eventually killed himself on the sixth floor of the library in the basement of which Jeannie works. No one else was hurt and Mark called as soon as he knew to tell us jean was safe.The shooter was a college sophomore, a math major. No one seems to know what caused his behavior. I just keep thinking he was somebody's baby.

We've had a sweet weekend, quieter than I expected. Bob had a lot of catch up work on lesson plans, so we did not go to San Antonio as we planned. Instead we worked on K.K's little house, got the bed in there, a rod for clothes to hang on, and did more unpacking. She slept out there peacefully for the first time last night and will again tonight. I love the co-housing, the blend of generations, KK's feet in my lap while I write. I feel like I've been given a decade or two, having children in the house again, especially the beautiful mix of toddler and teen. One highlight of the weekend is that Ballet Austin gave KK two tickets free to the ballet, Carmina Burana, which was done with dancers, chorus, and orchestra - so intense and glorious. Stephen Mills is a genius of a choreographer - better every year. Austin is lucky to have him, and symphony director Peter Bay too for that matter.

For those of you who've asked... This is a sukkah (pictures of OUR sukkah to follow)This is Liam shaking the Luluv

The sick season is starting in Austin which makes me nervous with our larger household, but, though clients are beginning to cancel with fevers, all of us in the house stay well. I doubt we can get through the fall and winter without at least a few colds though with exposure to three different schools, all those kids Chris tutors, and my office contacts. It's easy for me to worry to about minor possible problems I can't control. I am offering the household vitamin C and we are all hand washing and beyond that I have no power. My task for now - stay in the moment.

A couple of you have asked what a sukkah is. It is a temporary structure jews put up in the yard this time of year - a harvest festival tradition after Yom Kippur. The sukkoh is built with three walls and the roof is slatted so you can see the stars. You eat in it for eight days, inviting friends and neighbors in, a time of hospitality and openness. Many sleep in ther sukkot and we hope to this year at least once. You decorate with fruits, vegetables, leaves, and children's crafts. It is the closest thing Jews get to a Christmas tree in terms of decorating, and Liam is already having fun making decorations. This is the first year we have made our own sukkoh, thanks of course to Ruth and Chris. It isn't finished yet (busy and rainy day) but it will be very cool. I'll send pictures, or at least link to them on the ThreGeneration blog.

It was a good experience to help in Bob's class today. The refugee children have only been here four months and are pretty lost, but learning fast. It's hard to stick teaching math when they don't know what the words in the problems are discribing - whether it's "cyllinder" or "gerbil". I did alot of drawing and it seemed helpful. I like them both and I think they like me. Before I went I really had performance anxiety and understood for the first time why someone might just back off from a volunteer experience out of trepidation. I kept thinking it would be easier to stay home and help KK with her homework. It is easier to help her, and I did that too, but I'm hooked on Bob's class now. The rest of the class, American poor kids, is a crazy mix of understanding and pain, rowdiness and curiosity, excessive jewelry and sweet smiles. I am intrigued by a number of them and also did a good job of staying in a supportive role and not putting my agendas on Bob's class. I hope to help out every Monday afternoon.

Today was a good gentle day. KK came back fed and happy with homework done from a good visit with her mother, Tracy, and sibs in San Antonio. She seemed really peaceful and just generally in a good mood upon her return. Earlier today Ruth and Chris and Liam worked hours on building our first Sukkot ever in our back yard. Later I helped too, also did some just general yard clean up. It felt good to be outside on a mild rainy afternoon working with people I love. I also got to go to Bob's school with him for a while and make order - just a peaceful day without the spiritual intensity of the next few days. Tomorrow I will go back to Bob's school with the intention of tutoring two kids who are refugees from Burma. I'm nervous. They don't have much English and I'm afraid I won't be helpful, but I want to try.

Yom Kipper - Mid fast - I find great comfort in wearing white with no vanity,just pulling my Yom Kipper dress over my head like the shroud it represents, sticking my feet in cloth shoes and going forth to service with none of the usual concerns about matching jewelry or getting tasks done in the right order. I love the minor key chanting, the prayers of repentance, the call to turn, turn, turn, toward goodness and love.
But I struggle with amends and especially with real and lasting change. Often, I don't even know what to change to do more good and less harm. The children's story read at services today taught, through the misadventures of a very large and clumsy if well intentioned bird, that the hardest word in the world is "sorry". That isn't true for me. It's easy to be sorry and say "sorry". What is hard, hard, hard is to understand before I do something wrong that it is wrong. So often I try to say something kind, and it hurts, or I want to be helpful and it distracts or interferes. My empathy fails me day in and day out. Even when my ego is out of the way and my intentions are focused and in tune with my values, I do harm.
When Kerry and I planned to have children, and were blessed with bright, beautiful little girls, it was vitally important to both of us - the most important thing in our worlds, to give them love, opportunities, limits, values, dream seeds - skills, hope, courage, everything they needed to thrive and to contribute. Like most parents, we wanted them to have more opportunities than we had, to have less pain, less trouble, and to live richer lives. I think we got some of those things right, but I know now I acted at times with distraction, indifference, control, selfishness, ego, insensitivity with both of my daughters. Even now that they are lovely strong women, I speak wrong words, fail to communicate the depth of my love, don't know what they need or how to provide it.
And then there's Bob - how I love that good man and yet, several times every week I jump and shriek when he has help to offer me, or I try to ask for something I want or need (and I know the rules, teach people at work how to make requests and complaints kindly) and I fall into language that sounds critical to him and hurts him.
It isn't saying "sorry", admitting wrong that is hard - It's knowing what is better to do, not just the rules but really how to do it, and then doing it right again and again and again that is hard. That is my prayer this Yom Kipper afternoon -

Source of life and wisdom, strengthen my empathy. Help me match my words and voice with my intentions. Slow my reactions. Strengthen my empathy.

Yom Kippur Day of atonement, turning toward higher self, higher values, fasting, remorse and forgiveness. We're only a few hours in -after the lovely introspective service, before the fast gets hard. My communities group cofession is full of paradox, which I love. We ask forgiveness for expecting both too much and too little of ourselves. Both transgressions are true of me different moments, different aspects of life.

Sometimes the sweetest gifts, greatest treasures, are unplanned and unplannable. I'm feeling enormously greatful for the completely unexpected soul deep talk I had with two old friends tonight.

I love my life right now. It's like a few layers got pulled back and instead of living as an empty nester, looking for opportunities to take care of others outside of work, I'm suddenly right back in the middle of younger family life. I already mourned this stage, never thought I'd have it back, but shows what I know, or don't. Here I am in the middle of it again and though making school lunches is tedious and there are evenings I'm really ready for some down time, I love this chance to be part of an active younger family again. Saturday night Bob and KK and I went to the symphony and (thanks to shared tickets from Jean and Mark) were able to take our friend Annalyn. It was exciting to share the music, and interesting to me that KK loves that music and has been to enough symphonies now that I see her as a co-sharer, rather than someone Bob and I share the music with.

Sunday was unexpectedly rich and busy. Ruth and Liam have just started a monthly Jewish kids' craft program called "Training Wheels". Each session focuses on a holiday I think, and the one we attended was about upcoming Sukkot. We made a graham cracker Sukkot with marshmallow creme for glue and fruit loops on top (with surprising insight,Liam called the sweet cereal "sugar" and he got at least as many on the Sukkot as into his mouth), puppet guests to visit us in our Sukkot, a celebratory flag, and a very glittery blue and silver compact disk which makes a beautiful Sukkot decoration. I think it's exciting that this program exists, and I so enjoyed loved helping and watching Ruth help Liam. His concentration, instruction following, and attention to detail were super, especially for his age.

Sunday afternoon was "Come Dance Day" with free classes all afternoon at Ballet Austin. KK invited me and her friend Reba from school to join her and it was both marvelous and humbling. Zumba, an exercise dance class to international rhythms is about my speed - steps not too precise but plenty of chance to burn calories and experience the abandon and joy of really letting go to upbeat music. I want to go to Zumba with KK every Saturday morning - a real treat. But the theatre dace classes, taught by KK's mentors Danny and Rocker were HARD - I seemed to be constantly going in the wrong direction on the wrong foot a step behind the music - and then I'd look up and see KK and her dance friend Abby just hitting every move and doing it with style. It was good for me to remember how hard what she does every day is. I like Reba a lot, a girl who was game in the hard classes despite lack of dance training, can laugh at herself, and has a great sense of rhythm she uses in her own art as a guitarist and singer. What a lovely afternoon!

I still feel a little flooded by all the details and schedules of our active family, but I think it's beginning to fall into place better - especially KK's homework and dance schedule patterns. She is amazing to me in that she is up and ready for school every morning - no muss, no fuss, no reminding. I was never that easy to get moving as a school kid.

It seems wrong not to note 9-11, icon of vulnerability and falling buildings, trigger for wars, day of so much loss and change with a blog entry. I'm not feeling profound. I do remember. It is interesting to me that KK used the attack on the Twin Towers as one of the historical events she believes defines her in a project for her history class. Probably that is as true for most of her generation as the assassinations of the sixties were for mine. Sad things we mark time by. at least we had the moon walk too.

Rosh hshannah beginning - lovely service tonighthas me cherishing the sweetness in my life and contemplative about the ways in which I want to turn more toward kindness. More tomorrow.

Labor Day Weekend never meant much to me as a kid or young woman, except that you weren't supposed to wear white after it - sort of an official end of summer. I remember feeling frustrated that Texas weather didn't honor Labor Day as an end of summer. The last few years, though, I've gotten to love this three day weekend, when the weather actually has tended to have moderated a little. I still smile remembering two Labor Days ago when Bob and I had a lovely hike together in Bastrop STate Park and he found and out of the way bead shop and bought me jade and lapis. Last year Chris, Ruth, and Liam were moving in - crazy busy - and Chris stopped in the middle and grilled chicken, steak, and corn, which we ate in the front yard. This year the whole houshold hiked Saturday at Enchanted Rock, had dinner with friends, and generally enjoyed each other - good feeling in the house, and for me at least, a break from stress and busy-ness and a sense of renewal.