Sunday, May 09, 2010

I've had a good day, quiet, very loved and loving feeling. Chris cooked special dinner for us mothers - Ruth's favorite "pink chicken" which I may like as much as she does. I'm so happy Ruth did get to be a mother after the years of infertility and Mira's death. I'd appreciate liam anyway, not to mention plain adore him, but I remember how sad Mother's Day was two years ago just after Mira died and I am so glad that sadness is an undercurrent now, not dominant. I'll always miss getting to hold and know and love that little girl, and I know her parents will too, and it is easier to accept her absence in Liam's presence, at least for me.

I wish Joanna and Tracy and the kids could have come over but life is crazy busy for them and they sent love. We've never been huge on celebrating holidays on the day, and when Joanna took me to the Salt lake City Olympics we agreed that was my Mothers' Day present for ever and ever - a good one.

I've been thinking about mothering - mostly my own. It was such a joy mostly (except in the early teens when I didn't handle individuation so well). Nothing in my life has brought more delight and more unexpected rewards. I wish I had done many things differently, more gently, more respectfully to the people the girls were. I wish I had been more accepting of illnesses, less anxious about health and just plain less anxious. I wish I had made it more clear how delighted I was by successes, of which they both had many. I wish I could have made Kerry's dying hurt them less - but that wish I think is not one I blame myself around. Losing a parent just does hurt. Mostly I'm just thankful for the privilege of being their mother.


Mary said...

I am glad you had a nice mother's day. How thoughtful of Chris to cook 'pink chicken.' I am wondering if this is tandoori chicken - the Indian dish, as this is the only kind of chicken I can think of that is pink.

I enjoyed reading your reflective thoughts on your own mothering. I would say the same about mothering bringing delight and unexpected rewards. And the same about grandmothering as well!

Diane T said...

How exciting to be able to eat some of Chris' thoughtfully-prepared meals.

I agree with you in the holidays don't always have to be celebrated on THE day but can be celebrated any time.

I enjoyed your thoughts on mothering. You obviously gave the subject MUCH thought.

It definitely IS a privilege to be a mother...