Monday, September 14, 2009

I made turkey with Mango and cinnamon for supper tonight, with cous cous, and Ruth liked it. This is meaningful because she was a very picky eater into early adulthood, especially about fruits and vegetables and this is an odd dish, just one I love. I have Chris to thank for her expanded tastes. He's a great cook, very accepting, and led her to safely try new tastes. I love so much about that man!

So far so good on my new way of thinking, being in the world. It really does feel like a little miracle, the loosening of need to control. I've known since Kerry died that bad things happen no matter how much you love, how good you are, how hard you try - but there's something fresh right now, a lightening up. I think I'm seeing more how much my family members love me even though I can't keep them safe and make everything work out OK. I've always been more interested in having their respect, everyone's respect, than in unconditional love, which always seemed too easy. I didn't want any positive regard I hadn't earned. I never understood why people even thought unconditional love was a good thing - unconditional responsibility or loyalty maybe - as for a parent with a disability, but not unconditional love. What I wanted was that heady mix of love, liking and respect that blows the ceiling off the room. I still love it when that comes and I always will. Probably everybody does - but their is a peace in being loved as is without earning it that is just beginning to feel real and desirable.