Monday, February 21, 2011

Obviously my attempt to write thirty posts in thirty days failed. I'm starting again now, aiming at a post every day until Bob and I leave for a spring break trip to New Mexico. This period since we got back from our winter trip has been oddly hard for me. So much good has happened, like the delight I'm taking in learning to knit and making things that are useful and pretty. KK had her audition for the Performing Arts School on Saturday and it seemed to go well. She was scared to death befor because she wants to get in so badly, but chirpy after. We feel hopeful about geting a letter of acceptance soon. Liam and andrea have both had their second birthdays and both are thriving and delightful. Work and money situations are improving on all fronts. Yet I feel stuck in the blues, like I'm moving through fog and not sure if I have the strength to get through it. I know there is light sparkling on the water not too far away, but I don't trust my energy to get me there.

I don't know what is wrong with me but guess it is mostly reaction from the difficult year that culminated in Bob retiring from teaching early. That was a huge disappointment for me, that his dream of changing the world one kid at a time (our dream, maybe it was more mine than his, or at least as much so) worked out only in a limited way. It is wonderful having Bob home. i find myself reaching often for his hand and saying "I need you." "I love you." and thinking, "I don't want to have to live without you." his health crisies of the last few years seem much resolved and he is working hard at the gym and saying he can lean over and get up off low couches more easily, walk more easily up hills, but his feet still swell and he moves slowly and looks tired and it scares me. I feel angry because I want to just be able to lean on him and trust his health and I know how unrealistic that is. Many of our friends and family members are having terriblelife shattering and life threatening health crisies and we are not. But I feel terrified and vulnerable.

Also my daughters and grandchildren all struggled last year (except the two littlest and I'm not good at bracketing their pain when it goes on and on. I think it's been especially hard that some of the problems could have been fixed with money and I never had quite enough, though still we are blessed beyond so many. it's so hard to shake old codependence - the feeling that if I could just do everything right enough everyone would be OK. that hits me at work too this year as more than a usual number of cliets struggle harder than usual against overwhelming circumstances, as do many of my friends.

My visual vertigo has been bad lately which has me dropping things, bumping into things, and feeling very anxious about crossing streets or being in public places where I could run into someone or they into me. The visual world is really confusing these days when it gets beyond knit one purl one. Even working on the computer is harder than it used to be. I've had bad spells like this before and they've always passed. it's just hard not to be afraid that this one won't.

As I write all of this I focus on my favorite word "Abide." That has to be enough but it hasn't felt that way lately and I've been way off balance, just wanting to sit and knit and knit, doing something with the tiny yarn world I can control. I'm a bit of a mess right now and admitting that here is a place to start.

I am

I am connector and dreamer.
I wonder if it is too late for love.
I hear crying in the night.
I see sunlight on the river.
I want to erase pain.
I am connector and dreamer.
I pretend I am not afraid.
I feel colors like caresses.
I touch the face of the moon.
I worry I let people down.
I cry when my friends hurt.
I am connector and dreamer.
I understand real is better than perfect.
I say life is hard and life is good.
I dream of my beloved dead.
I try to stay in each moment.
I hope love is stronger than loss.
I am connector and dreamer.

Victoria Hendricks, 2/ 21/ 2011

I am exhausted and overwhelmed.
I wonder if I can be enough, do enough.
I hear words of hate, cries of pain.
I see messy rooms, suffering faces.
I want to make everyone OK.
I am exhausted and overwhelmed.
I pretend I know what to do next.
I feel need swirling like tornado.
I touch Bob's hand and feel death.
I worry I am not strong enough.
I cry out in powerlessness.
I am exhausted and overwhelmed.
I understand I will have more losses.
I say love is stronger than loss.
I dream of feeling safe.
I try to stay in the moment.
I hope I have enough to give.
i am exhausted and overwhelmed.

Victoria Hendricks, 2/21/2011

After snow the last time I posted here, it seems fitting to write that I saw the first faint pink of redbud blossoms yesterday and walked at night without a jacket this full moon.

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