I don't want to write this entry. The Friedling is dead - sweet baby of promise and hope - little one who already brought us so much delight (and now none of us will be able to cradle you or laugh with you or teach you or learn from you). I hate this.

I don't believe anything about life happens for a reason or that concepts of fairness apply to medical situations, but Ruth and Chris should be happy not sad - no more trouble for them! I want to stand at the entrance of the cave and keep anything from hurting them ever again - and little Friedling too.

I wish I could bethe all-protective matriarch and keep my clan safe. Impossible.

So what do I know tonight?

I'm glad Ruth and Chris have each other.
I'm glad they conceived this baby Friedling and that she grew within Ruth for three months.
I'm glad they shared this pregnancy from the beginning and didn't try to protect themselves or anyone else from the possibility of having to grieve.
I hate it that Ruth has to have a D and C - don't want her to hurt physically as well as emotionally.
I miss deeply, achingly, the hope of this baby in my arms, nuzzling close. i've been imagining another flame haired little girl, (know that was not anything but an imagining but it was my imagining) toddling along after K.K., swung up on K.K's hip as easily as that little one rode her Auntie Ru's hip, and now that won't be, at least with this baby right now.
I trust that Ruth and Chris will thrive again - and I know they will hurt along the way.
I hate that.