I sit wiggly and excited,
hop up and press nose to
plate glass as snow falls.
I sit again, check email,
crane neck toward window,
track flurry of descending
white better than words
on screen, rush down stairs
coatless to catch flakes
on tongue, watch them
stick, flake by flake,
to leaves, blades of grass.
Those unfortunates which
land on pavement vanish.
I climb stairs laughing.
Sit again. Glad I didn't sit
through rare Texas snow day.

Terrible feeling in town tonight. A disgruntled (crazy?) man burned down his house not far from here and then flew a plane into the IRS office building we often drive by - protesting taxes suicidally. My first client was distressed by having driven by the flaming exploded glass office building. There were two people injures, on unaccounted for (hopefully didn't go to work or had stepped out? Only the perpetrator is known dead. It strikes me freaky. On the bus tonight I wondered how much anger the people riding with me were carrying. How much hurt. How much potential to do harm. So important to keep on doing the next right thing.

Happy birthday Andrea! Thing one and thing two are both one now. It's been a fast year full of change. I sleep in a different room, have a totally different wardrobe thanks to Ruth's generous closet, live with three people I love during the work week rather than alone. Joanna and her family live in Ruth's house. Liam and Andrea walk and talk. Bob still teaches at Menger, but he hopes to change that next school year. Only my work really seems to stay the same, and that by its very nature is never really the same from day to day.

I'm enjoying the Winter Olympics, fondly remember going to the Salt Lake City Olympics with Joanna. I'm so glad she encouraged that adventure.

Olympic Memories

I've watched the Olympic Games, winter and summer
since I was a child, watched with delight and awe
feats of physical strength, speed, grace, persistence.
The passing of the torch, generation to generation,
nation to nation, hand to hand, flame to flame
brings tears, hope, determination even on television.

I did not cry when I stood in the snow in Salt lake City
beside my pregnant daughter and watched the torch
change hands so near that my face felt its heat.
Inspiration, magic, are cheap at any price. Our trip to
the Winter Olympics months after terrorist atttacks
is a choice I'm glad we had foolish courage to make.

It's not unusual for me to hear people talk about Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark holiday", kind of silly and trumped up to get people to buy cards and flowers and build up expectations. As a therapist I've dont lots of post Valentine's day first aid over the years. And yet, I enjoy having a holiday dedicated to all flavors of love and sweetnes.

This Valentine's Day weekend was just perfect, sweet and tender and full of connection with the people I'm closest to. Bob arrived yesterday with arms full of roses, peach and yellow just like at our wedding. Bob really is the holiday go to person in our marriage, learned it from his mother. When he and I married Ruth was seven and Joanna was ten (or something like that) and he made a point of creating holiday traditions with and for them. For Valentines he gave them big baloons each year (and he still does, and the grand children too - and all appreciate and cherish this tradition). It was fun going with him to the store last night to choose the balloons, making paper valentines to affix to the strings, and delivering a backseat full to Joanna's house this morning. Everyone was thrilled, and I even got to take an excited Andrea for a stroller ride with her two brothers walking along and talking, beforfe winter blew in again.

I just feel tremendous sweetness, and it is good to feel that.

I sometimes think about mortality and how I have fewer years left than I've lived. All of that is true. But also true is that I'm thankful I'm no longer thirteen. K.K. is delightful and full of promise, but being thirteen, even beautiful and talented, is hard - managing the world of boys, auditions, assignments, injuries, trying to be responsible and still have fun, is hard. I remember how it felt, all churned up and insecure. I just went in and kissed her, sound asleep on the couch with Duffy curled in her arms and whispered "Hang in there kid. It get's better." And it truly does.

Liam's birthday was great fun - lunch at Phil's for the only hamburgers I actually like (and Liam seems to too) and his very first ice cream - lots of hilarity and picture taking and a sweet warmth inside the restaurant on a day rainy and just above freezing outside. I kept thinking that Liam will be as different next year from how he is today as he is today from how he was on the day of his birth. It has been a year of so much change. I wonder what changes will come in the next year.

A year ago Liam was still unborn, nestled inside Ruth, C section scheduled, me nervous. He was a mystery, an unknown, and I hoped so for his safe arrival. I worried about Ruth and C section recovery. I so much wanted Ruth and Chris to have a beginning of parenthood that was especially sweet. They had tried and hoped so long, and suffered the death of Mira, and a year ago tonight they were rigth at the edge of having a son to hold and come to know. Well he's here now, a year later, walking, talking, tickling, laughing, climbing into the dishwaser, putting away toys and pulling them out, obsessed with mop dust pan lawnmower and other household tools, cheese-loving, pea hating, funny, cuddly, scared of the smoke alarm, dog loving, blue eyed,amazing. I never dreamed a year ago that I'd get to live with Liam in the house, a full family member, a joy which exceeds not only expectations but imagination. Probably the happiest years of my life were the years when my own girls were little - that special bubble time of being so focused on a developing new person. I love it just as much as grand mother as I did as mother.

I'm still thinking about mortality and change - how fast and without warning life can shift or end. I really do think I've been more afraid of suddenness than of ending. Those who know me well know that I have trouble with transitions, even simple ones like getting out of the house and into the car, so it's not really surpriseing that being overtaken by change scares me more than loss does. Loss I know I can accept. Somehow I do feel more peace about the possibility of sudden death since lois died on Saturday. The change in me really doesn't make sense, just a new level of acceptance.

Out of the Blue

On a cloudless day
twin towers crumbled,
biopsy screamed malignant,
heart stopped, earth opened.
We cannot count on warnings.

Crazy weather day, wild temperature swings, pouring rain, sunny, then pouring again, and now cold and windy. The trees, bare and brittle, are swaying and dancing in the night and the music of wind chimes enlivens the darkness. I'm happy with myself tonight, mostly about having made some significant progress with family letters and other memorabilia - finally easier to make decisions and have a system for pulling things together that works better than before.

I've had a thoughtful day, though also joyous with uproarious Liam laughter. I think I'm at a new place about death. I've felt for a long time that I could accept death on certain terms (that the older generations died first, that I had some warning, time to say good bye, no sudden death). Of course death sets her own terms and we don't get to choose. My friend Lois died suddenly yesterday and the words that her husband and son have written about their experience of her unexpected death - the pain and shock and yet their ability to be there for each other and do what they needed to do, somehow strengthened me. It's like when we had our house fire and I managed in the terror of the flaming night to do what I needed to to get sleeping three year old Ruth out safely. I had been terrified I would freak and freeze if faced with fire in the night, but I didn't. I've been equally terrified of sudden death, my own or someone else's close - not the death but the suddenness. I seem released from that fear tonight, and very thankful to Lois' family for sharing their experience. We never know who we touch and help, even in our darkest hours.

I just learned that a woman I've known for years through an on line community died suddenly last night (or maybe earlier today?). I don't know what happened. I know she was on line yesterday playing Farmville. I know she had heart surgery in the past, but if she was ill this winter, I didn't know it. I really didn't know her well - liked, respected, enjoyed her - knew bits and pieces of her life story as she knew bits and pieces of mine. I know she leaves a husband, son, grandchildren who she loved intensely and spoke of with great warmth. I know they have to be in shocked grief right now and I don't know them at all, not enough that my comfort would be significant.

Another member of the same onlind community died last spring.

We're in our late fifties and sixties now, my contemporaries and I. There will be more deaths and they will come closer together. All I can do is be as good to everyone as I can and work harder on family pictures and stories so I will leave less undone that only I can do if I'm next to die. And anyway, it's good to get the stories shared. Tomorrow will be a day that allows me time for that kind of project. Tonight I think I'll take a bath, remember my friend, try to let her death soak in. Denial is so wierd. I don't even want to go out into the living room and tell Ruth and Chris she died, because I don't want it to be true and telling people anything always makes it seem more real.

We have a new dog at the house, Duffy, a rescued Lahsa mix who is totally sweet with Liam, even sleeps in his bed already. So much is good - sustaining friendships and family, the presence of support when I feel vulnerable, work I love and believe has value and that I do well, baby kisses. This is just one of those periods when the fragility and difficulty of life seem more striking than the sweetness. Usually for me it's the other way around. Life is hard AND life is good, which ever side of the and feels more real in the moment.

Wednesday Prayer

World needs day
I stop midweek
contemplate
what the world
needs from me
angle my footprint
renew my effort
to contribute.

Sleep does wonders, as does the kindness of Ruth and Chris, Liams smiles and a lighter work day. I feel much better tonight and Bob also seems less tired. I think yesterday was just one of those low points - an incident pof the blues. i feel more hopeful today, not discouraged, like good change is possible and that there is so muchg good even without change.

Hard week. Bob is too tired working and I'm dragging at work too. I feel discouraged - need to find some way to cheer myself up.

Winter is the season of my birth and philosophically if not always practically my favorite season. Writing prompt from Ann triggered a poem cycle that pleases me right now because it captures honestly what winter means to me now,especially givenBob's recent health crisis and my dear sister in law Heidi's remarkable well being despite a crightening diagnosis.

Winter Fear

Flu, falls, suicidal despair,
pneumonia, hypothermia,
ski accident, spin out on
black ice. Some people don't
make it though to spring.
Death hoots through winter trees.
Reminds me, spring will not
come for everyone.

2
Winter Truth

Winter tells core truth.
No flowers obscure rot.
Flaws meet my eye.
remind my conscience
change is optimal.


3
Winter Stories

Short days encourage stories
as we sit around warm table
sharing soup and warm cornbread.
Time to remember and honor
gardens past guilt free.
Can't plant yet. Can bask
in recounting memories.

4.

Winter Hope

After longest night,
light begins to return,
creeps in minutes sooner
each cold dusk.
Reminds me life force
gathers unseen beneath
chilling ice. Roots hold
energy after leaf fall,
protect and build hope
for one more cycle
of blossom, leaf and fruit.
Joy and fresh strength
regroup through out the
darkest night of soul.

Sweet sweet Sabbath - enriched by relief that Joanna's house closed, making everybody's money situation more viable. The Sabbath dinner question tradition moved into it's second week, to my delight. We asked a number (and I love it that K.K. participates thoughtfully and honestly). Introspective exercises with multiple generations participating are about as good as it gets for me. I';; kust share three questions and my own answers, and hope again some of you will respond with your own answers.

What is the root cause of most of your fears? - that I will be unable to provide safety and wise counsel to people I love in situations in which it is within possibility for me to do so - or - at deeper core, failing those I love.

If heaven could look like the home of someone you know, whose would it be - My Grandma Anna and Grandpa Rudolph's house as I remember it from childhood, with peach preserves perfuming the kitchen, the scrap box in the pantry full of bright quilt squares, and the screened in back porch resonating with the singing voices of a loving family.

If you could be any farm animal, what would you be - the sheep dog, tending protecting, herding the brood, and getting some pats and cuddles of approval along the way.

I just haven't been blogging - stressed about details that really shouldn't be such a big deal in face of Bob's recent health crisis. He is doing fine teaching this week, has an appointment with the Corpus cardiologist tomorrow which should give us some more answers about his future health status. I know I'm not clear on whether or how much the recent incident with the blood clots will affect our future life together - especially travel. I want to believe everything is still like it was, and I don't know what's true.

My answers to last week's Sabbath questions

What favor would I ask God for myself personally? -mindfulness, the ability to stay in and behave appropriately in every moment.

What would my wish be for all the souls of the world? - empathy, that each would know it was no less or more important than any other, that the well being of each depends on the well being of all.

When have I felt spiritually repressed? -at times, in religious services and elsewhere, when I have wanted to sing out, to sway, to dance, and everyone around me has been proper and quiet and contained.

Thanks for sharing your answers in comments Mary. I hope others will too. And I bet we get another set of questions tomorrow night.

Sometimes at Night

Sometimes at night when I put myself to sleep
between soft green sheets, beneath wedding quilt
my grandmother made from my childhood dresses,
I remember that I am one phone away call from terror.

Sometimes at night when I put myself to sleep
in my book-lined nest, clean, safe, fed on blueberries,
I cry for women lying awake in refugee camps,
war zones, hospital rooms, hovels, hospices.

Sometimes at night when I put myself to sleep,
expecting to wake to work I love, family that loves me,
bead work to finish, letters to write, books just opened,
I remember to cherish each of my very finite, blessings.
Victoria hendricks, September 2, 2008

It's been a long short odd hard sweet week - passsed without seeming to. Here we are at Shabbat again, the dishes washed, K.K. asleep on the couch between dance classes, Ruth and Chris and Liam in their rooms, Bob and I under quilts, both typing away. He seems well, and I feel less scared about his going back to Corpus and being alone - believing the Coumadin is working and he will be fine. He hasn't seen his class since before winter break, so Tuesday morning will be odd. I'm glad he has a four day work week going back.

Ruth started a newq tradition at dinner tonight - sharing our answers to questions from a book of "big questions". Pur three questions tonight, and I was thrilled K.K> participated in sharing answers, were
If you could ask God for one favor for yourself what would you ask for?
If you could ask for one change for all the souls of the world what would you ask?
What was a time when you felt spiritually repressed?
I'll share answers tomorrow. Now Bob is about to turn off the light.

Ordinary, sweet ordinary weekend. My most extraordinary accomplishment is the thorough purging of my closet - major trip to thrift store tomorrow. Bob watched a lot of football and, while watching, used my Dad's old hand held slide viewer to look at slides from earlier phases of his life - lots of pruning - but many kept and stories shared. It's funny having married closer to forty than twenty, two whole decades of each other's adult lives we missed.

It took us a while to get discharge and prescriptions, but the trip back was fine and it's good to be home with Ruth and Chris and Liam. Bob even got to read Liam a bedtime story. It's 21 out - cold for these parts. I'm glad to be in..Thanks for all the love, prayers and good wishes.

For those who want updates, all is still well - one more day away from the threat of sudden death. I'm very thankful. I think it will still take a whiole for me to really get how close a call this was. Bob is doing well now. Brushing his teeth as I write the last post of the day. Modern medicine is something I don't always credit for what it is worth. I think part of me is still mad it didn't save kerry. But it has saved Bob and I am thankful, thankful, thankful.

I'm beginning to have feelings tonight - even this afternoon - tremendous tenderness toward Bob and relief I didn't lose him this time (at least haven't yet and probably won't), Also tremendous tenderness toward others I love. I was so without feeling yesterday when crisis was greater. One of the writing prompts this week is "hollow feeling" and I've come up with two very different poems.

Hollowed

Crisis hollows me out,
leaves no room for feeling.
I do not inhabit my body,
merely control it, hollow robot
able to do the essential.
Feeling is irrelevant in crisis.


Hallowed

Empty, open, hollow,
Ready reed receives
holy peace, holy flow.

Hospitals are interesting. I think we are more courteous to each other in hospitals because everyone is aware that other people eating in the cafeteria or buying a tooth brush or looking for a car are probably dealing with the challenge of the illness of a friend or loved one. I have been treated really kindly and have felt similar kindness toward others negotiating the hosiptal halls and shops. Another thing I've noticed in this particular hospital is that someone has very carefully chosen the paperbacks in the book shop - only one or two of any given title by a variety of popular authors inseveral genres. there are a number I would enjoy reading. As one who falls back on a book in times of stress - the crutch to get through the darkest nights sometimes, the person who did this selecting is truly a hero. I hope I can remember that people outside hospitals are facing challenges to and treat them as gently.

This week sure didn't begin the way I expected. Bob had an undetected blood clot in hisw leg which went to his lungs which caused an abnormal heart rythm (AFIB). Apparently blood clots in lungs are a common cause of sudden death, so this is a near miss situation we've just gone through - hopefully fine from here on out. I'm writing more about all of this - as is Ruth, on the family blog http://thregeneration.blogspot.com/. I think I'm avoiding writing talking too much about Bob's illness to keep from being scared, hence the poem I wrote last night.

Far Less to Say

I have far less say about Bob's illness
than seems reasonable or right.
I don't want to talk about it.
I just want it to go away.
No more to say

Bob's gone back to Corpus and I'm thinking maybe this is the last new year that will begin with his return to teach in another city. His desire to come home is strong and I'm beginning to get excited, hopeful - don't want to break our hearts if no jobs are available - but he does have reason to hope. So much has changed in the last year. I don't think the change rate will slow in the next few months - still feels like I have a rocket by the tail and am holding on with difficulty - but enjoying the view.

New Year's Day 2010. It seems like a breath ago that we were moving from the 1900's to the 2000's - All the concern about some kind of computer bug that would mess up all the infrastructure and that didn't happen =- Y2K I think they called it. subjectively, time does pass faster and faster as I get older and the current perceived rate is a bit freaky.

At this moment, Bob's clothes are in the drier fopr him to take back to Corpus when he heads back to work on Monday. Chris and Ruth and Bob and I have spent a thoughtful evening discussing the old year and the new year, our hopes and dreams and fears for ourselves and our families. It's been a really good winter break and I have so much more to write than I have focus to write tonight - so, a poem about endings and beginnings and a promise to myself to write here regularly again whether I feel like it or not.

Comfort

Old idea, regeneration.
Pheonix rises from ashes.
Serpent swallows tail.
Wheel of life, cycle
of seasos, circle of
birth and death.
Each beginning requires
the preceeding ending.
Old like the velveteen
rabbit, source of comfort.

Today is my 59'th birthday and it has been a good day. I am not as focused on birthdays or age as many people I think, but I do notice that this is the last birthday in my fifties. My fifties has been a good decade, one of my best. I used to think of sixty as the beginning of being "old". I don't think that now. Many of my friends are well past sixty and active, adventurous, healthy. Sixty doesn't scare me, but I do know that as we get older losses of members of our own generation will get more frequent and that makes me sad. I remember my friend Dolly who died suddenly last spring.

I do love that my birthday is the day the nights start to get shorter, the days longer, the day of the invisible beginning of light's return. That change seems especially fitting this year. The fall has been rich with so much change, mostly good. I just hope, hope, hope that Joanna's house will close tomorrow and satisfactorily after way too many delays.

The co housing with Ruth Chris and Liam is working out delightfully, and the work of pruning belongings, though it will continue at least into the spring, has progressed markedly. I think there is nothing in the kitchen or living room that we have not consciously chosen to keep, and I've made great progress in that direction with clothes, shoes and such. Family pictures and old letters are another story altogether. Maybe next year. Seriously, it does seem more possible than it has in decades to have a real handle on what I keep.

Liam has his own room, lovingly painted by his Mom in Pacific northwest colors to match the mural of La Push that adorns one wall. He slept a good portion of last night alone in the bed in his room, a surprise to all of us. Bob and I are resettled in the middle bedroom with the pull down wall bed, and like having more space when the bed is up. Bob finally has drawers and a half closet of his own for the first time since we started the cohousing. We have a beautiful green wall that will feature our Navajo tree of life rug and shelves for treasures.I think the bedroom situation is resolving now into one that really works for all of us. Still boxes to go through - still a box in the middle of my bedroom floor in fact - but better, much better.

I only worked a little today - had lunch at my favorite Indian buffet with Ruth, Liam, and Bob, and walked with Bob at dusk at McKinney Falls. We talked about the possibility of his shifting to teaching high school math and looking for a job in Austin, or even a fourth grade job in Austin. His school in Corpus is a great fit, but, with five school years until retirement, the idea of living together full time again appeals. We'll see. The highlight of our walk was the sight of over thirty Great American egrets on the shores of Onion Creek.

Last year I was full of poems for Hannukah. This year I'm just thankful for all sources of light in the darkness. This year has brought two new family babies, major changes in housing, enriching travels through the American west, ongoing sense of both mortality and awe. Nights are long this time of year, and still the sun comes up.

It's odd to think about turning 59 later this month. I've never been an age person, never thought much about milestone birthdays. It feels strange though to be almost sixty. I'm thankful to have lived this long and experienced all I've experienced. Its just odd to realize I've known my oldest friends way longer than we were old when we met. Machines now look so different than they did when I was a child or even a young mother - laptop, cellphone (the whole concept of "texting" flat screen TV. I remember being a kid and going to Tomorrow land at Disneyland and looking at the house of the future, which if I remember right was less plugged in than my house today. There has been so much change and I can learn to take advantage of it and benefit from it, but it will never feel "mine". Definitely a twentieth century mind here.

The more sobering thing about being in my late fifties is that the people I remember as mentors and guides - the people who turned sixty around the time I turned forty, are mostly dead now or ill or in some way impaired. It is odd to be thinking twenty five good years, long shot thirty - and then again, there was no counting on the first thirty or even the first one. Each day for what I can do with it. That is enough.

The garage is almost a studio. It's gone through so many stages, some orderly, some awfulduring the 33 years we've lived in this house. Studio is probably the best yet. It's fun to watch Ruth excited about having proper photo space for her lights and back drops. She's working so hard to claim it. I wonder what pictures she will take in this reclaimed space.

Also, we had Jean and Mark to dinner tonight. It was a sweet dinner and especially fun for me to serve "potato gook", one of Kerry's traditional childhood comfort foods - the meal his Dad cooked when his mother was not able to cook. It's sort of hash with potatos, onions, and ground beef and plenty of black pepper -really very simple but satisfying on a cool wet night and good to remember its origins with old friends who loved Kerry too. The comparable dish in Bob's family growing up was a tuna fish casserole with potato chips on top. My Dad was not as creative. He broiled steaks and made salad or just took me oout to dinner when Mama was out of town. Now I live in a family where the main cook is the Daddy and Liam will not understand first hand about homes in which Daddy only cooks when Mama can't.

Odd weekend. Good. Ruth and I both work in spurts and we spurted big time. Mostly she led and I followed. She chopped out the old hedges in front of hte house, which had gotten quite tall. We were tired of them, want something different, mopre native - we'll see. It is really odd walking out of the house and feeling the openness between the absent hedgese. Then we worked a few hours in the garage preparing it for photo studio use - fun together and productive.

It's not the longest night yet, but it's a cold one - so I'll post my winter lullaby. I'm happy tonight after a sweet synagogue service and dinner out with RUth Chris and Liam. I do want to get back to cooking more at home, but warm Mexican food on a freezing nigbht - Yum!

Winter Lullaby

Longest night blow
wisdom through me.
You knew me new
and know me now.
You grew me, grow me,
teach me, slow me.
Wrap me deep
in dreamfull sleep.
Clear mind and eyes.
Bring visions to me
Blow cold and starry
.while I sleep.
Bring me secrets
of the deep..
You grow me, grew me,
You know me now and
knew me new.
Longest night,
blow wisdom
through me.

Ruth just called me at work to report snow flurries. Yay! I did see a few flakes from the office window but not much yet. We took Liam for a walk earlier, all of us all bundled. Putting on the mittens was a pain but he seemed to enjoy the cold crisp weather even though it wasn't snowing at that moment. It's funny how excited we Texans get about just a little snow. I was talking with an acquaintance who grew up in Winnipeg and she says that schools close there only when combinedtemperature and skin conditions are such that any exposed skin will freeze solid in less than a minute! I can't even imagine and the thought of raising a baby in such a dangerous weather situation is freaky. In the mean time, snow flurries Austin style are fun.

It's an odd Thursday afternoon in Austin, people in general off balance I think in expectation of snow tomorrow. Early December snow is enve rarer than later winter snow here. If we get freezing percipitation between Thanksgiving and Christmas it is usually sleet. but what is being predicted is snow. Liam and Andrea's firs snow, which they are small to fully participate in but will enjoy on some level, I;m sure. I'm excited and my clients seem to be excited too, or at least thrown off. People are failing to show up today who NEVER do that, and the schedule is just generally odd. I'm in a good mood though, kind of a kid mood, waiting for the white stuff to fall from the sky. I remember sitting in a fourth grade classroom in Houston, where snow is even rarer than in Austin, watching a Valentine's Day snow fall. That one was a number of inches deep and lasted the weekend. We built snowmen and the Bedling terrriers had no idea what to make of the cold stuff into which they sunk. I still have the memories and the pictures of that weekend. And I think that's part of myu excitement.

It is Nutcracker Ballet time again, spacing rehearsals, parking permits, slightly different instructions each season for the drop off and retrieval of young dancers. Cast member T shirts and yard signs. K.K. is a Chinese dancer now. I remember how big the Chinese looked the year she was a tiny first grade angel in her first Nut Cracker. This is her fifth Nutcracker (angel, mouse, (year off for gymnastics competition) Bonbon, Bonbon, now Chinese next year she's likely to be a party girl (Nut Cracker big time, dancing on point, rehearsing mostly with the company not with the kid cast. It has been such a delight watching K.K. absorb and be absorbed into the Ballet Austin world. The company apprentice and the dance supply store knows her shoe size. She nods, smiles, greets and is greeted by dancers of all sizes in the Ballet Austin building 0 her world. I love to visit.

It is also almost Hannukah (which I celebrate better than I spell). Ruth decorated the house today for Liam's first festival of lights. She has three mennorahs out, a bowl of dreidels, sparkly dreidel lights, blue shalom flag flying on our flag pole. I love the celebration of light as the days shorten.

Obviously, I haven't been blogging much. I don't like that. New month is a good time for a behavior change, and I think I'll try to emulate my friend Peggy who published a poem in her blog each day of her birthday month. I don't know if it will be a poem every day - but a post at least. Today I do have a poem.

Spiral

Flight of grouse,
fall of snowflake,
leaf, fragile blossom,
track of silver stick
child spins down beach,
destructive funnel of
spring volcano above town
silent core of strength endures
at heart of fragile shell.
after shell shape erodes.

Also of note, Texas fall is late and brief, but right now it is in full flare, Danny's maple glorious red and gold. By Friday, when we are supposed to have a hard freeze, the trees will be bare, but they are shouting out in color at the very end of their season. Brave trees!

Bob and I are off on our pre Thanksgiving retreat - especially sweet this year as we visit four month old niece Cristina and her parents in Iowa. First time I've been in Iowa and I am glad it is a mild fall. I was expecting frigid weather and it's just cool, not different from home by much, though I know it will be. We walked in the woods this afternoon, ate home cooked peruvian food (you!) and apple pie. I still marvel that some babies (Cristina is one) like their baths. It was not so with mine. This tradition of pre Thanksgiving road trips is great for me, body, mind and soul, but I sure am behind on blogs and emails.

The poetry prompt today was "clouds..." It surprises me where my mind takes me.

Clouds Color

Clouds color sunset.
Clear day fades unremarkably.
Clouds echo with turbulance,
Flare golden apricot, catch flame,
Stormy day, survived, ends in glory.

Today, however, was not a cloudy day, literally or metaphorically, though we did have a thuinder storm during the night. The day dawned cool crisp windy, leaf fall proceeding, one of my favorite kinds of day. I spent the day helping Joanna unpack into the new house, with success. Andrea is at the age that she doesn't want to be put down, so having hands to pack and unpack is hard. We made great progress, though there is a long way to go. This afternoon Danny and I had so much fun and success working together unpacking boxes of toys and creating some new storage systems. He was a perfect helper, so quick and willing (or maybe I was his helper). Then when Joanna and I took K.K. to ballet, though traffic was heavy, we had great conversation in the car about all kinds of favorites - K.K. led - favorite dog, movie, book, musical, ballet. Sharing was fun and continued after we left K.K. at class. It was Chris' gaming night with friends so Ruth and Joanna and I went out for Mexican dinner and margaritas without babies - delightful! So despite my poem, my clear day ended in glory or at least great happiness.

This weekend was busy and I felt tired much of yesterday, so much we are still doing to organize house and garage - getting rid of everything we don't tryly choose to have. So many of my belongings I have by attrition. SOmeone gave me something and I found a place for it and still have it. Shifting to a much more mindful relationship with things is WORK. Today's poetry prompt was "hanging" and my take on it was surely influenced by the sorting.

I've spent my adult life
learning when to hang on,
when to let go.
Practicing still.

Also, Bob and I had a wonderful break this afternoon attending the opera La Boheme. I've seen it before, but today really was transported, just caught in and feeling the whole story. A funny on myself is that during the intermission I started thinking how the story of starving artists, love, and illness in a flamboyant setting could be transfered to 1980's Castro District Sand Fran Cisco and done as a gay love story. I got positively obsessed with the idea, imagining scenes, and then whenh I told Ruth and Chris they broke out laughing. It's been done. Rent, which I haven't seen, is a remake (in Greenwich Village, but still....duh....no Tony awards for me.)

Long work week. I think it's time for the upcoming vacation. Ruth is making great progress child-proofing, which is a good thing because Liam is walking, climbong, opening, pulling things out, down, on top of his head. As I write she and K.K. are wotking on the restructuring of garage shelves. I should get K.K. to bed soon since dance starts early tomorrow. I wrote a couple of poems I like this week based on poem a day prompts. I love the way prompts get me to write poems I'd never dream up on my own.

Dead End

If only imobilizes.
No regrets, yearnings, pleas.
No bargains, deals, second guesses.
Only mindful action now.


Constructed

We construct wisdom
against nature - uphill,
build against impulse.
My prayer is for strength
to choose, today, tomorrow,
to lay another shimmering stone.

Leaf fall has started - watched the golden shower past the upstairs office window today. We are still weeks from the first freeze, but it is clearly no longer green season. Liam is a walker now, not a baby who can take steps but a toddler who crosses the room without thinking about it, a little guy who stands steadily while focusing on playing with his blocks.

It's both sad and good helping Joanna's family move houses. I remember helping them move into the big house, and now leaving it seems just as right as buying it did then. I felt tears in my throat when Danny stood in the empty center of his ocean room Joanna painted with murals for him and said he would miss it. He will. He is hoping for new murals in the new room he and Zachary share. It was probably my last time in the big house today. I didn't think about that until right now. K.K. and I had a sweet moment at the end sitting on the stairs, just visiting while we waited for Joanna to get us with the car. Then I gave K/K's day a painful ending by slamming her fingers in the car door (not broken but painful) I felt terrible, and know that I make physical mistakes when I'm tired. That scares me about myself.

Random violence seems more present than usual, or maybe I'm more focused on it - military base shooting at Fort Hood yesterday, office building shooting in Orlando today, serial killer found in Cleveland on Halloween. It is alarming to know that people snap unexpectedly and can do so much harm. I also read today that unemployment is up again, another factor that has to add to pressure on people. Tonight it was good to go to synagogue and pray in community and especially to watch the congregation love Liam. Sweetness is sure out there. Live is hard AND life is good. Got to remember that AND.

The PTA program went great with sixteen of Bob's eighteen students participating and over forty in all - unusual participation and attendence for htis school. I'm thrilled it went so well. The move continues apace too. As several of you commented, it is great to be part of a family that helps each other. It's Chris' birthday tomorrow, and I am so thankful to have this good man in our lives.

Here, I'm feeling a little crazed with a more than uually demanding work week and a desire to help Joanna get the last belongings out of the house that is being sold and into the house where she and her family are living (Ruth's former house). the financial, business end of everything is falling into line, but there is still plain work to do. We have promised to be done by next Tuesday night, so there is an end in sight, which helps me not panic. Also, I am very much in an assistant role and feel some relief not being in charge of so much organization. I will not panic. Everything will work out. I will not panic.....I will not panic....I will not panic.....

Bob's big PTA program is tomorrow night, with Native American inspired dances and a display of foods which originated in teh Americas. We had fun Sunday at Whole Foods (which is a zoo here on Sundays) buying same.

It is ironic to me having been among the vey prosperous organic buying shoppers in Whole Foods on Sunday to see on the news Monday that one of our local food banks had closed for the day because of empty shelves - a situation since remedied at least temporarily by business and private donations. I also saw a long line of people last night waiting for medical care at a free clinic near my office. The contrast between comfort and want is so strong, even in this country, without even thinking about African level poverty. I feel fortunate to be among the relatively comfortable and work to do what I can about the gap, to do enough, but not to deny myself some of the pleasures money can buy.

Beyond Valence

Travel beyond duality
to accept what is
challenges wisdom.

Halloween is over and I am sad, just like when I was little. I don't want to take down the decorations, which alwyas make me smile. Our weekend was a good one. We watched K.K. dance in a school related performance - all the middle school and high school dance students in her district in performance. It was impressive what the teachers were able to do with so many kids on stage at once and such a range of skills. K.K.'s training shows, and she looked really happy in her school setting. We met her friend Tasha, whose Halloween party she attended - first time not trick or treating with the family. Going out wiht the boys and Joanna, Tracy, and Andrea was a kick - just a happy feeling walking around in the cozy neighborhood admiring costumes and listening to the boys greet school friends. Drea was an adorable elephant who LOVED her little trunk. Liam was an equally adorable little green monster.

This week bob will be in charge of fourth grade PTA program and his kids will be featured in Native American inspired dances. We made a trip to Whole Foods this afternoon to get foods that originated in the Americas to be used in the harvest dance. It was fun gathering all the different shapes and colors, textures and sizes of fruits and vegetables. I think my favorites were the tomatillow - which always surprise me with their papery coating, and a big warty golden and green gourd. Wish Bob's little dancers well. He is nervous, and I think saome of them are too.

I'm trying a poem a day challenge this month - but not with great confidence. THe first prompt is to write about the Day of the Dead and I'll give it a try,

Visitor

Early Halloween dusk, waxing moon.
Cardinal perches perfectly still
on bright patch of winter grass,
oblivious to voices, prowling cat,
laughing baby. Family gathers,
worried, amazed, in awe, watches
together until cardinal stirs,
takes flight into fading light,
no ordinary visitor. Identity undisclosed.
All Souls, All Saints, All mystery.

Today blew in like the icon of Halloween. A still humid mild morning shattered in storm. Sporadic pelting rains have bobmarded my office skylight off and on all day. Now, as evening comes early, the biggest wave of storm pushes in from the north and trees, their leaves faded green but yet to color, dance and sway. Tonight the temperature will drop to near forty. Change change and more change blow in this season in every sector of our lives here.

I think the phrase "winds of change" has real wisdom and truth in it. Change is like wind , refreshing, cleansing, disconcerting, unsettling, potentially dangerous - All. I remember how right it seemed when I first heard the oft repeated saying (whether or not true) that the Chinese symbol for change combines the symbols for danger and opportunity. That is so true, even though it has been repeated to the point of cliche.

So here I stand in a swirl of falling leaves, watching the waxing moon this week, realizing that for the first time in years I lost track of the phase of the moon over the last two months. It has been my habit for years to observe the moon cycles, but somehow I lost September and most of October in re-homing activity and frequent nights of cloud. Vow for now is to watch the moon this month, to reconnect. That cycle follows it's pattern whatever else changes. The constancy is in the changes, I think, at least in this life.

Keep me

Keep me gentle,
mindful, hopeful.
Keep me strong,
active, helpful.
Keep my actions
in allignment
with my love.

The temperature will drop twenty degrees or so tonight and it will storm. Today Bob and I took KK, Danny, and Zachary (gorgeous white Cats style cat with feather boa, frightening sparkling Twilight style vampire, and debonair pirate) to the annual symphony orchestra's children's concert. We went intending to buy tickets but somehow got comped, which was great. We've been going to these concerts in or mostly in costume since Joanna and Ruth were little. My feather boa is orange. I'll even wear it to work on Friday - a once a year pleasure. There's still lots of sorting and thinning to do here, but progress has been huge. We have developed a weekend routine which involves trips to the Farmer's Market, which is a highlight of my week. Cooking is more fun than it's been in a very long time - probably because it's shared. Bob worked hard this weekend on selecting three native American songs and creating basic choreography for an assembly at his school in a couple of weeks. I seem to be resisting writing here - maybe because life is just good in a simple way - not sure. I don't want to let this venue slip.

Good weekend - I'm loving shopping at the Farmer's Market Saturday mornings, cooking up vegetables on Saturday and Sunday - lotw of new tastes to try (and old ones reintroduced). Today my favorite dish was tiny yellow and zuchinni squash, picked really young from a nearby farm, and sauteed with a little green onion and some baby bella mushrooms. Other food delight is that Chris has learned to make lemon meringue pie, a childhood favorite. Yum! Bob and I were able to watch K.k.'s whole dance practice for the Chinese routine for the Nutcracker- fun to watch the girls turn I remember little turn into real ballerinas. We visited Joanna and Andrea at their house when we took K.K. home, and that was a delight. Andrea has huge chocolate eyes, so expressive;

Life is such a balance, that which tires and that which refreshes. Writing promts this week, and the weariness of work well done inspired a couple of poems.


Wildness

Wildness, beyond wires and buildings
wide horizon unlimited, big sky,
out of time, unconnected, no ringers,
numbers, appointments, one right answer
feet on the ground, wind water sounds.
Unexpected animal activity, coyote howl,
Peregrine in pine, Western Pygmy butterflies.
Mystery, unexpected secrets, freedom.
Wildness, beyond designed thought,
evokes words, peace, rest, joy.


Erev Shabbat (my favorite holy day)

The sun on the tree tops no longer is seen.
Week over, work over, responsibilities lain,
Candles lit, light gathered, weary faces smile.
Wordless song rises into cooling night.
All is never right with the world.
Ever Shabbat, I let my troubles rise.

Liam has beaten his mother's record for early walking in our family. He walked at eight months almost exactly (Yesterday for the first time consistently) and Ruth walked at nine months. He is darling, grinning, toddling from person to person - and especially back into Mama's arms, with huge grin. He also has his first shoes and stands steadily in them. lifting the heavy shoes to walk is an effort, though he managed it today sereral times, second day with shoes. The shoes were bought just in time because it is cooling off (in the forties tomorrow night) and new walker that he is the boy wants his feet on the ground.

Andrea, I think, will wait until a more reasonable age to walk because she is VERY mobile crawling on all fours. She gets where she wants to go. Liam did a fine army crawl but skipped all fours crawling to get on his feet.

I know worrying is useless. I know most children who get swine flu have mild cases and recover quickly. I know the lives of children I love are no more precious than the lives of any other children, including the far too many children starving, living in war zones, suffering all over the world. And still, when I look at Liam taking his first brave unassisted steps across the kitchen floor, I think about the five year old girl who went to school a few blocks away from my office and died of swine fluy yesterday. She was healthy before she got the flu, had a pediatrician her mother called, just got sick and died within a few days. It scares me. The scared part of me wants to just close the office and hope they'll close the schools and everybody hole up - and that doesn't really make sense, so I gather my faith and courage for one more day,

Prepare to read a bunch of catch up over the next few days - but not so much tonight. My time in Corpus with Bob was great, both personally and with regard to school and back pack program kick off. I need to be responsible and sleep before the work week starts - but all is very good. One tid bit, at a Corpus birding trail we met a retired entomologist from Wisconsin (warm and delighted, excited, knowledgable, delightful woman) who showed us the tiniest butterfly in the United STates (the Western Pygmy Blue) which is truly tiny and was hiding out in the depths of wildflowers to escape the cool morning. Butterflies our guide taught us, are easy to spot after a cold windy night because they are hungry and out seeking nectar desparately. I didn't know that.

Schedule book found (OK Ruth foound it - thank you Ruth) under my bed where I had looked several times. It is great to have help and great to have my artificial brain back in place. I really depend on that schedule book.

I feel a bit crazy this afternoon. The schedule book that holds my professional brain has disappeared. I have no idea who is coming for app[ointments this afternoon or tomorrow or when, so I just sit at the front desk between sessions and greet all comers. So far, everyhing has worked fine - but it's disconcerting. I have NEVER misplaced the schedule book - have good routines for keeping up with it. I've looked hard at the office and at home. I'm hoping it is in Chris' car - maybe fell out of my bag when I was taking it home Friday. Got to find the thing, but no ppoint in writing more about it.


On more interesting points, it's a chaotic but productive day for Joanna, Ruth, Chris and Tracy. They have the moving truck again and are moving the couch and glorious chair and a half and some other large items from Ruth's house to ours and then Joanna's furniture to Ruth's house. A big job, though Joanna and Tray have done a lot of the moving out already. At least the houses where most of the stuff is are only a few blocks apart. It will be fun to go home and see our house with real furniture in the living room (and beautiful furniture at that).


On the Grandma front, I really really really must spend more time with Andrea and the boys. I get K.K. because of her dance schedule and the location of the studio and Liam because of the co housing, but Andrea is still quite justifiably afraid of both Bob and me - really wary. That won't do for much longer. Got to win that little heart. Of course even Liam, who knows me well, much prefers parental arms when distressed. The boys at least I know well and they me - always great hugs and conversations, just not enough time together. I'm proud of Danny for winning an award at school for kindness and cooperation - real strengths of his. K.K. won some kind of general good student award too, not sure exactly. She's a Chinese dancer in the Nut Cracker this year as expected. It's funny how routine and yet how special the Nut Cracker is for our family now. The first year she was an angel was such a big deal. Now it is just a good part of our life.

WE had a little dinner party ;last ight - Jean and Mark with house residents and Joanna dropped in at just the right moment. I lovecooking for peopke I love - and using farmers' market produce makes it even better. The crew loved the patty pan squash, which made me inordinately happy. Even with my schedule book lost, life is good.

Asking for and accepting help has reached a new level for me. I was feeling completely overwhelmed trying to get my stuff organized in my new smaller bedroom. It seemed like everything I tried was only partially succesful and I was using up my energy at work and on the rest of the house and the belonging pruning. This afternoon I asked Ruth to help me just a little with my room - just to organize my thinking. Then I had to go back to work. When I came home she had made the space beautiful and usable, reorienting the bed, putting the ce3dar chest in the clset and moving dressers out to be more accessible - just really taking care of me by taking care of my space. That is the sweetest thing about htis cohousing for me - being taken care of sometimes. Dishes get washed, food prepared, laundry folded wihtout my doing it. Treats come into the house without my bringing them. I feel like I get the best parts of bing a child - the surprises and the care while getting to do the same kind of nurturing for the others.

I'm having trouble writing here - no good reason. I think I'm just burning my energy at work and on trying to continue refining the house simplifications. There is still so much to do. Ruth finished painting the blue dining room today - lovely. Yom Kippur was beautifully celebrated by our community. I am still feeling contemplative, thinking of broken relationships and interpersonal disappointments. I am so very aware that each of my words and actions affects the people around me, and it is a big responsibility to choose wisely and kindly, choice by choice.

Another cool rainy day. It's funny how minor accomplishments can be so satisfying. As we continue to have large amounts to trash and especially recycle, Wednesday nights are a highlight of the week for me as I get permission to use neighbors empty can space and carry more and more old papers and such out of the house to recycle. I laugh at myself for having so much fun in this simple process. I think it satisfies me because, unlike most of the more complicated aspects of life, it works every time. I gather the recycling, put it in the cans, and it goes away the next morning - simple cause and effect.

First day of autumn felt like it - rainy all day and high didn't reach seventy. I wished I had a sweater all day- a lovely wish after our killer hot dry summer. It's with a deep sense of relief that I see green growth at the roadside and water flowing in our creeks. It will warm up again before autumn begins to settle into winter, but today was a lovely precurser.

Ruth and Chris and I continue to work on the house. Last night Ruth and I got lots of old stuff, all kinds, down from the attic and were able to send most to the thrift shop with no regrets. Liam is thriving, and thriving right here where I can hug him every day, to my great delight. He is a cuddly armful, but only for a minute, before he cruises off on his next great adventure, lively that one, so loved, and loving life already.

Tashlick

I enter the river
in autumn each year,
when light fades,
when hope quakes
new moon, deep dark
I enter the river.
Your love is my ark.

Pockets hang heavy
with fear and regret.
I enter the river
to empty and fill.
Love will sustain me.
The river can change me.
I trust that it will.

Victoria Hbendricks, September 21, 2009

Organized spiritual practice in a community is so ggod for me. I didn't feel like going to Rosh Hoshannah services tonight, and yet going, singing, reading in front of hte congregation, seeing friends, watching the congregation love Liam (and Ruth and Chris))all lifted my heart. This is the time of turning away from past mistakes and starting clean and strong. I turn my heart and soul in that direction - more writing tomorrow - holiday poems half baked - but now, sleep.

Tomorrow night Rosh Hoshannah begins - time of spiritual new beginnings, fresh starts. It is remarkably a year of new beginnings on so many levels for our family. Tonight I'm tired and feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work it will take to make this house the way we want it to be - fresh and not cluttered. I know tomorrow I will feel more enerrgy for more change.

Mary Travers died today - icon of folk singing, long hair, big voice, passionate performer. I feel my own mortality as the great ones a half generation older begin to die off from natural causes, not drug over doses, plane crashes, suicide. They just die, as we all will. About Mary, I feel thankful that she shone her light and sang her song as she did so many years. I always loved the song "If I had a Hammer...if I had a song to sing, I'd sing it on the mountain...I'd sing a song of freedom all over this land." Well she did have a song to sing and she sang it. May I do the same, sing my song (not literally you don't have to cover your ears) with power and grace for as many days as I am given.

Notions of heaven are highly personal. I wrote a short poem last week about one version, which fits when I think about Mary Travers and Ted Kennedy.

Heaven

To be remembered as refuge,
To continue to guide, nurture,
love, teach, comfort, sustain
After body dies. Heaven.Victoria Hendricks, September 15, 2009

I made turkey with Mango and cinnamon for supper tonight, with cous cous, and Ruth liked it. This is meaningful because she was a very picky eater into early adulthood, especially about fruits and vegetables and this is an odd dish, just one I love. I have Chris to thank for her expanded tastes. He's a great cook, very accepting, and led her to safely try new tastes. I love so much about that man!

So far so good on my new way of thinking, being in the world. It really does feel like a little miracle, the loosening of need to control. I've known since Kerry died that bad things happen no matter how much you love, how good you are, how hard you try - but there's something fresh right now, a lightening up. I think I'm seeing more how much my family members love me even though I can't keep them safe and make everything work out OK. I've always been more interested in having their respect, everyone's respect, than in unconditional love, which always seemed too easy. I didn't want any positive regard I hadn't earned. I never understood why people even thought unconditional love was a good thing - unconditional responsibility or loyalty maybe - as for a parent with a disability, but not unconditional love. What I wanted was that heady mix of love, liking and respect that blows the ceiling off the room. I still love it when that comes and I always will. Probably everybody does - but their is a peace in being loved as is without earning it that is just beginning to feel real and desirable.

Big changes - inside and out. I loved this weekend, the presence of so many of my cherished family members, helping KK with homework, just being in her presence, watching Ruth and Joanna play with Liam, listening to both of them talk about their own lives and the directions in which they are working and hoping to move. It is the time of year in the Jewish calender for introspection and change, for casting out the crumbs of stale old ways. That time comes every year, of course and it matters every year, but the truth is some years I am more moved than others - and this year is special for me. I decided (chose) yesterday to give up habits of thought and anxiety (read control) that I developed when I was raising the girls after Kerry died. I was the only grown up then and I did have a lot of responsibility for making everything work. It isn't like that now. Bob is a great partner and my daughters are grown and capable. And yet, I held on in some hard to define way to a sense that I had the wellfare of the family in the palm of my hand. i let go of that lie yesterday, with many tears and much difficulty in a long conversation with Ruth, Chris and Bob. Relaxation has never been a goal of mine - not stressing, resting, having fun - just not on Victoria's list. And it's time to change that now, to soften. It seems like something that just happened, like a little miracle, as soon as I chose it. All day today and yesterday afternoon I had plenty of chances to stress over little stuff, to overthink details, and I just didn't - wasn't even tempted. I know I'll be tempted again, but this seems like one of those big life changing decisions -an inner Rubicon - after which nothing is ever the same again.

Really tired tonight, but happy. It's rained all day. Bob came home tonight instead of tomorrow and Joanna and K.K. joined us for Sabbath dinner with the blue table cloth and my grandmother's lace - very sweet. Its almost Jewish New Year, time to value sweetness in life and contemplate changes, fresh starts. Plenty of that going around in our family.

I'm proud of myself tonight. I installed a light fixture-my first Ruth installed a ceiling fan in the living room and I was handing her screws and mentioned that my Dad would be proud of her. He and Mama had made a list of gender atypical skills they wanted any kids to have and installing a light fixture was on the list for girls. Ruth then proceeded to encourage and instruct me to install the light Not so hard, with Ruth guidance. It's odd how many things I have never tried that I probably could do just fine. I love the rewourcefulness of both my daughters, the can do spirit to try all kinds of projects.

On another track altogether, I'm thinking how, on September 10, 2001 we went to bed with no idea that September 11 2001 would be anything but an ordinary late summer day.

Estate items moved out, Ruth and Chris' things from their house mostly moved in - no more Ryder truck in the driveway. Whew! Culling culling culling still -but more and more things have real places to be and stay. I love that Ruth takes the lead in organizing. I can follow, do much of hte physical work, keep things clean and neat, but I've never been good at creating systems and she is. Living room (whimsy themed with kids in mind and pleasing to us grownups too) is taking shape. Kitchen contents are merged and Chris is cooking up a storm using ingredients we've pooled. I'm worn out from moving and crazy work week, but so far so good. Joanna came over this evening and it was fun seeing her in the auntie role playing with Liam. I liked having her in the house with us. KK will be here Friday night - need to find some time to get Zachary and Danny over. Life has to slow down and it will. I love hte direction its going.

Another writing prompt - to write about the pleasure of all five senses, inspired this poem of one sweet moment this evening.

Delight

Room smells of neroli, orange blossom
scent, brides and babies. Smooth
clean sheet under cheek, feather soft
baby hair pressed sweaty in crook of arm,
Sea taste of salt, abundant life,on tongue
when I steal tiny lick of precious fuzz.
Easy cadence of breath, yours, mine,
your mother's,all relaxed, gentle slow,
as we rest on Sabbath after hard day's
work. Piles of boxes glimpsed promise
more evenings of delight. You're moving in!


Victoria Hendricks, September 4, 2009

Sabbath and a holiday weekend - both feel great. Our service tonight was sweet. Liam sat on his parent's laps, responded to the music with claps and sways, just soaked up the love. We have a small community and so Liam is really known, as is the fact of Mira's death before his birth. In some ways she seems as present in services as he does and that feels good.

There's a great big Ryder truck in the driveway full with a load from storage unit and house to take to estate sale people. I have surprisingly few qualms about parting with items from my parents' and grandparents' homes, and from my life with Kerry. It seems to be time. Of course I'm not parting with everything. I am impressed with my body, not as strong as Ruth, but plenty able to cary my weight of big chests and book shelves. That feels good, reassuring.

Bob will be home tomorrow and the estate sale stuff will be gone. Both of those things please me. Still lots of work to go here, but getting the estate items out is a huge step.

A writing group promt this week was to write about "the pleasure of not being perfect". I have plenty of opportunities to savor that pleasure, and especially right now. The complexities of the co-housing, all the new activities and patterns as well as stuff out of place, make mistakes and miscommunications easier and there have been more than usual. I so love the way Ruth and Chris handle these kinds of problems. The following poem is true - and the good news is that the mistake was not as expensive as we feared.

The Pleasure of Not Being Perfect


I put the diaper service diapers in the trash
this morning. Expensive mistake. Part mine,
Part Ruth's. She didn't give clear directions.
I didn't put mental pieces together properly.
It's OK. We'll pay for more diapers. We
accept our mistakes, each other's too.
Perfection is not required. Big relief.

Victoria Hendricks, September 3, 2009

Chris fixed saffron rice and chicken with black bean sauce tonight. Yum. Getting our belongings honed down further and further is so much work - but worth it. At the moment I'm trying to create some kind of system for our nonfiction -should probalby use Dewey decimal or Library of Congress system or something official - tiring.

An odd and amusing tidbit - the Zulu word for ceel phone means "the screaming in the pocket."

Co-Housing

Cohousing

New word, old idea,
family or friends
living together
making it work
under one roof
like I remember,
cooking, eating,
laughing, singing,
sharing expenses,
worries, stories,
too familiar to be new
old idea, co housing.

Victoria Hendricks
8-30-2009

Our health care delivery system is so broken. Being part of it is hard, offering services which are only part of what people really need. Real people struggle every day in ways that more accessible health care could change. I feel sad and angry and want to be part of making a change happen.

Mortality Noted

Everyone who was old when I was young
died years ago. Buildings are named after
men and women who bought me ice cream,
carried me across the street. Memories.
Memorials. Teddy Kennedy died last night,
the little brother who mourned his slain
big brothers. Called immature, impulsive,
He lived with his losses, his mistakes,
worked for ideals, spoke out, died alive.
Good night. Well done. As young lions
of my childhood die old lions, I feel my mortality ,
not the enemy, a reminder, increasingly familiar.

Victoria Hendricks, August 26, 2009

I just read President Obama's (still love to type President OBama) letter to the nation about Ted Kennedy's death and was touched on many levels. So much time has passed since I was a girl and Camelot was new - so much gained and so much lost on many fronts. The piece of the letter that got to me most was more personal than political. When writing of Senator Kennedy's battle with cancer our President wrote

"His fight gave us the opportunity we were denied when his brothers John and Robert were taken from us: the blessing of time to say thank you and goodbye. The outpouring of love, gratitude and fond memories to which we've all borne witness is a testament to the way this singular figure in American history touched so many lives."
President Barack Obama

That reflects the way I feel about death. Sudden death, without a chance for good bye and thank you still scares me - not the actual death but the suddenness and the possibility of unfinished connection. So important to say thank you every day, and I love you, and I'm sorry. We never know when good bye will come, said or not.

I just read on CBS breaking news that Ted Kennedy has died. I remember when he and his brothers were young and vital - remember seeing him last summer at the Democratic convention and being struck that I had not seen another Kennedy man of his generation grow old. So many losses in his life and so much perseverance too. Peace to him.

"A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on." - Jack Kennedy ace

"Life is a celebration of awakenings, of new beginnings, and wonderful surprises that enlighten the soul." --Cielo

I think I'm tireder than I've been in years - so much change. Good though. Thanks to Ruth and Chris I have working wireless internet in every room (Wow!) and the long messed up bathroom sink is fixed. There is so much they know how to do that I don't and Bob hasn't had time for.

Bob is excited to be starting school tomorrow - with the back pack program in place and lots of good ideas. I'm excited for him and his kids. When he comes home next weekend he will see lots of change - probably lots I can't envision yet.

Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great equalizer of the conditions of men -- the balance-wheel of the social machinery.
Author: Horace Mann

Co- housing. I just learned the word today (thanks Ann) about a week after we commited to the idea. Ruth and Chris and Bob and me and Liam sharing space and resources in the Stardust house Kerry and I bought 32 years ago to start our family. He alwyas talked about having a "family compound" someday and the idea appealed to me greatly. We considered co housing with Jean and Mark and Monica way back (didn't know the word then) It's exciting to me. And this seems like a good small beginning.


On a practical level, this is great for me. I have so much stuff I don't need or want - overwhelm - too much and I can't organize it. Now with Ruth and Chris helping, cabinets work right that never have. They have a knack for making nest. This is about interdependence - higher goal than independence, about sharing and mutual benefit. It's a lot of work right now sorting, changing, discarding, reworking, but great to have more adults focused on a project. Doing it together instead of us helping them or thm helping us - all doing it for a shared cause - ours. Separation has been too great. And of course Liam is a shining light in all of this.

Trick is making sure Joanna and her brood are included - keeping the usness of the whole family, keeping boundaries where people want them and avoiding false boundaries. This has (to me) to operate on an abundance not scarcity model - plenty for everybody, especially plenty of love, time attention.

"Life is like riding a bicycle.
To keep your balance you must keep moving."
Albert Einstein

And moving we are - lots of change afoot in our familywith plans to consolodate and simplify resources, live in more community. I'll share the details here when we've worked them out better, but right now I'm excited and challenged. Change takes effort, but I think I will LOVE the new balance we will attain.

"Our lives are a mixture of different roles.
Most of us are doing the best we can to find whatever the right balance is . . .
For me, that balance is family, work, and service."
Hillary Rodham Clinton

This is a good quote for me at the end of a busy and challenging first work week back from travels. Balancing roles has been tougher than usual this week and I went into Friday night tired but happy to have Bob home.

“There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves” Frank Herbert


This quote really suits me and my life philosophy - so many waves of feeling, all equally real and important - no good or bad, positive or negative - comfortable and uncomfortable maybe, but all equally real. I can live with feeling the waves.

After a month of travel, I've started doing the prompts again for my writers' group and Peggy asked us tonight to write about painted toe nails. I came up with three very different short poems which fit my sense of riding the waves. The details in the poems may not be exactly right. Daddy may not have painted Mama's toes every week - but the feeling fits. (Thank you Peggy)

Painted toe-nails -1

When Daddy was dying
in the hospital in Houston
I found a salon (strange word)
between hotel room and his bed.
Between, I stopped for manicure,
facial massage, eyebrow wax,
hair cut, painted toe nails.
Unfamiliar comfort items,
unexpectedly effective.

Painted Toenails -2

I painted K.K.'s toe nails red
white and blue the Fourth of July
she was five. Every year since,
she's asked for a repeat. Now
she paints my toenails too,
red white and blue, tradition
expanding, bonding, sweet.

Painted Toenails -3

Daddy painted Mama's toe nails
every week after she lost her words,
three years - pink, red, peach, gold.
every week, tedious tender love.

Victoria Hendricks, August 13, 2009

"Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." --Albert Einstein

Bob took Danny to his favorite Corpus highlight tonight and found it GONE. The beautiful carousel Jean took Monica to so many summers, so loved by K.K. Danny, and Zachary has been removed from the mall. Andrea and Liam will never ride its horses or spin in its spinners. That seems so very wrong and makes me want to cry - a trivial sadness in one way, when I think about cancer, war, starvation, but a loss of a cherished tradition and a real loss.

It thundered this evening, even rained a little and cooled down to 81. I'm not usually weather obsessed but the heat and drought this summer are so intense, exceptions need to be noted.

Home again, back at work for real today - good day. The house is still strewn with bits and pieces of travel gear - also new to me clothes from Ruth's closet. I'm wanting to get my closet set up for fall colors, put away the soft yellow and periwinkle, the butterflies and flowers. Maybe it's wishful thinking since the temperatures still hover above 100. Bob and Danny are in Corpus for Danny's Sea Camp and for Bob to start organizing the classroom. He is tired, hot, trying hard to get his grant funded program for parent involvement back packs off the ground. He took Danny to the beach tonight, even tired as he was, and Danny, beach lover that he is, had a blast building sand castles and making new friends. I wish I'd been there, but I'm glad I was where I was, so at home in my office doing what I know how to do.

Our travel was amazing. Anybody who wants to read about it and hasn't check outhttp://therebackagain.shutterfly.com/. It's not quite finished - still have some of Zachary's notes to copy off paper and want to write a trip summary. This was one of the top trips of my life - got to document properly. And if you ever get a chance to go to Yellowstone, or Grand Canyon North Rim, grab hold tight.

AS I resume routine, it's probably a good idea to have a theme for quotes, something centering. I hereby delcare that the theme for the rest of August is balance. We'll see what I can find on that theme. Here's the first.

“The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”

Carl Jung

On our way - almost - celebrated Bob beautifully today. I sure love that man.

Excited about trip now. We got the groceries in and I'm about to make Chex Mix. We also went out to Fonda San Miguel, where we had our rehearsal dinner and many beautiful dates and celebrations to celebrate Bob 's sixtieth birthday. It is amazing how sixty seemed like a scary birthday at 37 and now it just seems good - a good point to reach. I know life can change at any moment, but I am looking forward to a good decade for Bob and for me too. What a blessing that man isin my life.

I promise travel blog next week. Right now I'm having trouble wanting to write much. I'm enjoying work this week, feeling connected with what I do there and also happy to have a break coming up. Traveling with Bob and the kids seems like a great treat - just being out of the heat and taking in remembered and new sights. Still have preparations to do - just scatter brained a little, thinking in too many directions. Bob and I were at the coast Saturday though and saw five coyotes running on the beach in the light of the rising gibbous moon - they were graceful shadow shapes - dreamy. We also noticed that the moonlight appeared silver above the water before we saw the actual moon. Every time we go to the beach alone at night our experience and knowledge of that place increases. I'm so lucky to be married to a man who will wait for the moonrise with me and who is as thrilled by coyotes on the beach as I am. I'm so lucky to be married to THIS man. He turns sixty Friday. I remember when sixty seemed like the beginning of "old". It doesn't feel like that now - maybe like the beginning of a little bit freer - but just the very beginning. Happy almost birthday, Bob.

OK, I liked about feeling completely uncreative, or maybe my mood changed. They do do that, moods. Anyway, a poem.

Mimics

Fear, intuition, hope
such skillful mimics.
Doesn't really matter
which one speaks.
Live now, anyway.

Victoria Hendricks
July 10, 2009

Not very creative this Friday night - not really creative this week, but checking in here anyway. I love it that I'm a Great Aunt (remember loving that generation of aunts and uncles in my family and want to do a good job by little Cristina Elena and all possible sibs and cousins who may follow.) I love it that our family is growing in sweetness and love. It's time to start getting ready for our trip with the KDZ. A week from tonight will be our last night hoime. K.K. and Margie have been excitedly corresponding about K.K.'s big girl visit to Denver. It's fun to watch her grow into that role and I'm so touched that Margie and Dave are offering her this special opportunity. Bob is doing his usual magnificent job of mapping out hikes, selecting car music for us to appreciate and rate. I'd better get started on my part - laundry and food.

So hot this July - we learned that it is because there is no moisture left in the parched earth to evaporate and cool things off. Global warming is rendering frightening results.
Peace,
Victoria

We celebrated K.K.'s thirteenth birthday yesterday - hard to believe. It's good to have her the age she is and who she is - scholarshipped dancer, about to fly off to Denver to visit Margie and Dave before our family vacation. I loved having Jean and Mark and Marie and Bill present for the party, which I wouldn't have made happen, but Bob did. So good to be married to someone who is good at making things happen in ways in which I am just not. The boys were darling yesterday, sociable Danny handing out animal medicine cards to guests, Zachary enjoying the presence of his "birthday twin" and special adult friend David. Liam and Andrea were precious baby selves, handed back and forth and crowed over by the women present. I love watching Jeannie and Marie (and K.K. and Ruth and actually, Chris too) with the babies. I missed Joanna, who is still caught in a storm of work, and am glad Tracy was able to drop in for a minute on his way to work.

No theme for July, Peggy - too busy a month with travel coming up. I hope to do another theme in August (maybe). I worked a bit today, unexpected response to need - and BOb and I walked at moon rise at McKinney Falls. Tomorrow KK turns thirteen, which means Kerr's been dead 23 years - hard to believe either fact.

good day - lots of progress on organizing family artifacts, mostly needlework. I'm writing notes and stories and putting them in the cedar chest with the items I'm saving (Ruth's idea) so it's kidn of a 3D scrapbook. I'm loving looking at my Grandma Anna's handwork. She lived so carefully, like she stitched, attention to detaiol, love in every stitch.

Hard work week - lots of people struggling - love what I do though. Tonight I got a brief armful of sleeping Liam. Wow! He can sit by himself indefinitely (when awake of course!) and makes all kinds of sounds (also when awake), including an unmistakeable crow. I've always loved the crowing sound some babies make. Bob walked four miles on the treadmill today and yesterday too. That is great progress. I love the way he has hung in this summer.

Busy week - delightful evening with K.K. Bob and I took her to Katz'after dance for a last time to order pancakes from the kid's menu before she turns thirteen. We've been going to Katz' off and on after dance since she was five and the tradition will continue. She flirted with the waiter, who was charming and got her a free birthday sundae, complete with prized cherry.