Darkness and light 7 - night before Hannukah begins

 Hannukah, like most winter holidays is about light in the darkness. Tonight, during and after services, I've let myself think about the darkness, before any candles are lit. There's a Native American story I like about the darkness and its gifts. My version goes like this.


"In the long ago when the animals coould speak words, Dragon fly was the keeper of the void, the deep well of darkness which swelled at the edge of all that was known. Dragon fly flitted back and forth at the edge of the darkness. Few animals came close the the edge of the void. The darkness frightened them. But Swan was different. She was gray and dumpy, bored with her life, and very very curious. Day after day she would waddle to the very edge and ask Dragon Fly "What is down there?" and day after day Dragon Fly would give her the same answer "If you want to know, jump." And one day Swan did jump. When she emerged she was white, serene and graceful as we know swans today. All the animals were astounded by the change in Swan and asked her in a hundred ways "What happened to you down there in the void." And every time Swan answered, "If you want to know, jump,"    May I find the courage to explore and abide areas of darkness in my life.

Chris is helping KK with chemistry and geometry homework out at the kitchen table. She is exhausted at the end of tech week for her current dance show, a send up of The Nut Cracker. Tomorrow night about this time she will be high off the first performance and the fatigue won't matter.  I respect  the way she works to keep up as both a performer and a studentRuth is grading in the livingroom with the TV on, happy to be at the end of a long haul of a teaching semester.  Liam, who was not a school boy yet when this semester started, is happily snuggled in his bed probably dreaming of science Friday tomorrow. I'm hoping the phone will ring any minute and Bob will report himself safel ensconced in a motel somewhere on his way home from his invitational meeting at the White House.  Back in September i never would have expected that the volunteer campaign work he was doing would get him a working invitation to the White House.   I've worked hard on the house. especially our room, while he was gone and am feeling like it is much more comfortable and livable than it has been and that some of the organizaational decisions I've made will let it stay that way.  I feel happy, and especially happy because of my living situation.  I am so well supported and loved on  and that feels so good.  Ruth helped me deliver three boxes of teaching resources Bob no longer needs to a school librarian friend who knows how to find people who will use them.  Chris cooked delicious indian style chicken and vegetables for dinner and I didn't even have to think about what I was going to eat.  That is purest luxury for me.  KK gets math and science tutoring from Bob or Chris and I don't have to stretch in directions that I'd rather not at this point.  Ruth bought her a "nutcracker" scented candle in honor of her upcoming performance and delivered it, with chocolate, at a moment when KK was feeling tired and overwhelmed.  I grew up as an only child, loved, but without the rich tapestry of interwoven lives under one roof that a larger family provides.  I didn't know what I was missing then.  I sure appreciate it now.
   

Darkness and light -6-Grief

 Back last month when I was writing thankfulness posts, I wrote that I was thankful for grief because I see it as the natural process of making our losses real and finding a way to live in the world without those we have lost. Several people who have had recent losses asserted that they are not thankful for grief. I've been thinking alot about grief since that time, and I am still thankful for that process because I feel that without it loss would just stay new and harsh and raw forever, that it would never change, soften, become something one can carry and isn't consumed by. I realize that, for me, grieving a loss is like sleeping when weary or eating when hungry, the only way to really meet the need. Fear of loss and loss itself hurt and can blow one's world as one knows it apart. I want to be available always to those who mourn, to answer any question, to share experiences, just to abide.

Darkness and light 5 - Big Picture Tthinking

 Big picture thinking is hard for me. my tendancy is to do what I can where I am to make simple differences. I tend to be happy making little changes for individuals and mostly changes in my own behavior and thinking, but I am married to a man who has taught me the importance of the bigger picture, of thinking of the whole world and how everyone's we.llbeing or lack thereof interacts. I do feel strongly that "We are all in this together." as citizens of the world in terms of perserving the earth's resources as much as possible and getting along at least well enough not to killeach other off[. What I don't have is the solid information and focus on facts and details about worldwide problems which give grounding to that basic view. So this month, at least, I'm going to work on learning at least a little about a variety of worldwide problems. I hope I'll be blogging at least the occasional factual article or link about issues which affect the earth and all on it.

Darkness and Light 4- Making an effort

 Making an effort - One of the biggest lessons for me over the last decade has been that people need, truly need don't just appreciate, kind actions from others just to keep moving through daily life without feeling loneliness and despair. Its so easy for me, especially introvert that I am, to get "busy" or preoccupied with my own thoughts and projects and not return the phone call, write the note, send the birthday card or sympathy card. It's easy to get overwhelmed when someone is in a really bad situation and not say anything because I "don't know what to say.  I know I can put foot in mouth, and I know that the little things I can do for people don't fix bigger problems, and I know that the little things do make more than enough difference to balance out the effort that doing them takes. So, for now, I am increasing my commitment to follow through with small kindnesses.

Darkness and Light - 3 - Contempt

 I have almost finished Bullied, the book which inspired yesterday's post. The book contains a concept that strikes me as powerfully and deeply true. The root of bullying is not anger or even powerlessness, but contempt. To bully (on a personal level or on a societal way like Jim Crow or genocide) a person or group of people has to hold another person or group of people in contempt - to see them as less worthy of resources and life itself, less human. When I look around me, I see contempt around many everyday human differences including looks, posessions, age, spirituality, politics, sexuality, interests and life style choices. Contempt in its most toxic form allows genocide and in its more everyday form allows eye rolling, not taking someone's idea seriously, lack of empathy,and erosion of trust in relationships. So, for myself, this month I will work on avoiding labeling anybody "an idiot" or any other degrading label in my head. This doesn't mean I have to agree or approve of their ideas or seek out their company. I can even believe their ideas are dangeroous. I simply need to accept them as fully human as I am.

Shaggy Fall

Thanksgiving Day it was full bright fall in Austin, evidence of our rainier summer, bright color in the trees.  Now it is what I call "shaggy fall"  days short and colors fading, leaves drifting down in every breeze even though tempoeratures stay mild.  Shaggy fall can depress me some years, as beauty fades and streets look messy.  This year I'm enjoying shaggy fall, all the colors drifting down against low gray skies - soft.  Bob is on the road, on his way to the great opportunity of attending a working meeting on increasing bipartisan communication at the White Hous (yes I said the White House) on Wednesday)  I'm so impressed by my husband and his efforts to improve the state of our nation and world.  I'm. impressed with my family here too.  Ruth and Chris and I worked really hard yesterday on sorting and organizing tasks and made big progress.  I look around my room and see signs of that progress and smile.  There is a point of real change that shows in decluttering and I feel just barely there for the first time.  That feels really good.

Darkness and Light 2 - Meanness

As most of you who know me know, I have never done well with humor with edge. It seems like so much pain is delivered packaged as "I'm just kidding." or "It's a joke." It's a fine line between taking life lightly and laughing at the absurdity of our human condition and our individual accomacations to it and trying to gain an edge over others by laughing at them. Right now I'm reading an amazingly comprehensive book called Bullied by Carrie Goldman. It goes way beyond childhood school bullying and cyber bullying to the theme of meanness in our culture. I saw way too much of it in the election process, which is maybe one reason this particular area of darkness calls to me right now. A quote from the book that reverberates with me is by actress Chase Masterson from Star Trek. "I think it's 'in' on some horrific level for people to be mean. Talk shows and comedy shows say it's okay to laugh at other people. But it's not okay. It's certainly not a 'do unto others' attiotude." For myself, I am going to pay careful attention this month to my language, especially avoiding use of the word "hate" even lightly.

Darkness and Light 1

Light 1 - Posting thankfulness posts in November was good for me and now, November over, I'm hungry for a followup theme, don't wnat to quit. My December theme is darknesss and light, because the shortest day is coming and light is obviously a little less every day and soon will beginto return, a little bit every day . December holidays are bright with light. I want to focus on ways I can bring more light to the world, which will cause me to look into areas of darkness, so expect a mixed set of daily posts as I explore darkness and light in my life.

Thanksgiving 30 - Thankfulness

I am thankful for the feeling of being thankful, the ability to know the sweetness of the sweet in life and to appreciate the value of the difficult. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving isn't just a holiday in November, but an honest feeling which floods me everyday and is only highlighted and disciplined by practices like writing gratitude posts in the month of November. I am thankful for the feeling of being thankful.

Thanksgiving 29 - Resillience

I am thankful for resillience, recovery, the will and ability to rise again. I know people who have experienced terrible adversity - physical, and emotional and who have found the will and strength to keep on keeping on with grace and without bitterness. Struggle isn't fun but it is honorable, precious, effective. I am thankful for resillience.

Thanksgiving 28 - Resale stores

I am thankful for resale stores - especially Savers. I know that just reusing things instead of throwing them in the land fills is not enough to keep the planet alive, but I do love being on both the receiving and the giving end of endless swaps. I wear clothing made by a dressmaker for a woman from India who probably lives in California. I watch a woman happily claim a bowl I no longer want. Both roles feel good. And there is always yarn - a little or a lot, plain at fancy, to use for knitting scarves for refugees from hot places who are processed through Austin each year. We found cool leather jackets there for our three older grand kids and delightful outfits, ethnic and otherwise, for the little ones. i enjoy the young salespeople, often with blue or maroon hair, who happily wear wsome of the stranger available outfits. They always seem to have a smile. I am thankful for resale stores, especially Savers.

Thanksgiving 27 - Work

 I am thankful for work - professional work I love, the productive feeling of working to organize a shelf or room, the creative work of making something beautiful, the solace of exhausting mind numbing work in times of deep grief, the work others do to make my life and our world sustainable. I am thankful for work.

Thanksgiving 26 - Grief

 I know this is an odd one, but I am thankful for grief. This is one of those days when i've heard of several deaths, either just occured or soon to occur. Love is so intense, and loss so painful. I belief grief is the normal developmental process through which our losses first become real to us and then become less central to our lives. It is a wave form, like being in the ocean in a hurricaine at first, swamped by giant wave after giant wave, with no recourse except to be washed through. In time the ocean camms down, bu the occasional big wave still hits. I don't believe that without grief I never would have accepted Kerry's death or found a way to thrive without him. i am thankful for grief.

Thanksgiving 25 - Benefit of the doubt

I am thankful for the benefit of the doubt. I sure need it, and offer it freely. Communication is so complicated and life so challenging, I don't think we manage well without more than a little of it. I am thankful for the benefit of the doubt.

Darkness and light -25

On Christmas night I'm thinking aboout babies, the beautiful nativity story and babies in general, how each is a little spark, a light that can be nurtured or snuffed out, and how each is unique. and none is of more intrinsic value than any other. That is the lesson my Uncle Rudy taught me. He was born very prematurely and lack of oxygen had affected his lungs and his coordination. Things like ...making change were hard for him and he had terrible asthma. he also had music in his every cell and was a drummer for his high school band and the Texas Longhorn band. But none of that is my point here. My point is that I was raised to be way too achievement oriented and success oriented and by high school must have been pretty snooty about academic success. Uncle Rudy and I were pulling weeds together one morning and I said something, don't remember what, but something stuck up and mildly contemtuous regarding school performance. And he looked me straight in the eyes and told me to remember that not everybody has the same advantages and I needed to stop judging. The lesson took. It was years later that i thought about that lesson in reverse. I sure don't have Rudy's musical ability or naturally outgoing nature, and he never held me in contempt for those lacks. So on Christmas night I'm thinking about babies, and how each one is a unique spark, to be discovered and nutured, not judged.

Thankfulness 24- I am thankful for interdependence.  I do best when I can both give and receive, take care and be cared for.  And I live in a world like that.  Independence doesn't seem possible and the thought of it is scary to me.  I love living in a household with a son-in-law who is and amazing cook and gave us a gloriousThanksgiving meal, for having a husband who drives and knows how to hang a reading lamp, a daughter under my roof who fixes the dishwasher when it breaks and braids my hair, a grand daughter who says "You are falling asleep.  Go to bed."  I am thankful for interdependenceThankfulness 24- I am thankful for interdependence.  I do best when I can both give and receive, take care and be cared for.  And I live in a world like that.  Independence doesn't seem possible and the thought of it is scary to me.  I love living in a household with a son-in-law who is and amazing cook and gave us a gloriousThanksgiving meal, for having a husband who drives and knows how to hang a reading lamp, a daughter under my roof who fixes the dishwasher when it breaks and braids my hair, a grand daughter who says "You are falling asleep.  Go to bed."  I am thankful for interdependenceThankfulness 24- I am thankful for interdependence.  I do best when I can both give and receive, take care and be cared for.  And I live in a world like that.  Independence doesn't seem possible and the thought of it is scary to me.  I love living in a household with a son-in-law who is and amazing cook and gave us a gloriousThanksgiving meal, for having a husband who drives and knows how to hang a reading lamp, a daughter under my roof who fixes the dishwasher when it breaks and braids my hair, a grand daughter who says "You are falling asleep.  Go to bed."  I am thankful for interdependence

Thanksgiving 23 - Imagination

I am thankful for imagination, everybody's including my own. Bob and I spent much of today writing on our young adult fantasy novel, and it was fun hanging out in a world of our own creation. I love feeling the imagination wheels turn in my head and love seeing what others come up with - in books, in art, in conversation. The random pun, the playful image, the running story Liam ane I have about Sea Turtle Celeste, all of these things make me smile. I am thankful for imagination.

Thanksgiving 22- being physiologically happy

I am thankful for the feeling of being physiologically happy. I'm a serious being and generally feel content and pleased with my life and my choices, but not just bone marrow, every cell happy. When that feeling comes, and it has tonight, I cherish it. I know it won't stay long and that's OK. Content and satisfied is plenty for everyday. Happy is dessert. I'm thankful for feeling physiologically happy.

Thanksgiving 21-Traditions

I am thankful for traditions. There is a turkey in the fridge tonight and cranberry sauce on the stove. People on the internet and otherwise are wishing each other peace and joy in their families. We remember to stop and be thankful for our bounty and to tend to the needs of others. I appreciate holidays which call my attention to gratitude, family, memories, and dreams. I am thankful for traditions.